


(No Strings) Attached (To You)

by WanderingWhilstWondering



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Sexual Content, Unaccepting Parents
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-25
Updated: 2016-04-25
Packaged: 2018-06-04 11:52:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 32,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6656758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WanderingWhilstWondering/pseuds/WanderingWhilstWondering
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Partly follows the headline of the movie No Strings Attached, but has its own plot.</p><p>Clarke hits the bars of LA to score a cute someone, but that isn't as easy as it sounds. She ends up calling a random name from her contact list, which leads to a twist in her life and her heart to become a victim.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Meeting A Cute Girl & Yelling At The Moon

**Author's Note:**

> I really enjoyed writing this and I hope you like it :)  
> English is not my native language by the way, so I may have used the tenses incorrectly every now and then.
> 
> P.S. Everyone stays alive, we've been through enough already.

It’s been a week since my boyfriend broke up with me and I feel lonely and also kind of sad. It wasn’t as if he was the one or anything – hell, not even close – and we only dated for like two months or so, but it still sucks to not be able to sleep with someone or just be with someone from time to time. I’m not even heartbroken to be honest and that kind of scares me. I mean, am I turning into this insensitive, careless person now?

Anyway, that’s why I decided to hit the bars of L.A and score a cute someone tonight. A plan that seemed so easy and simple just earlier today, but what gets a worse and worse one every minute. Loneliness keeps creeping in and the stupidest part is that I couldn’t even find a friend to accompany me in this master plan. So I just keep signing for the waitress to serve me yet another vodka-cola. She’s kind of cute though, but from the look on her face she doesn’t like drunk people who ask for another alcoholic drink every ten minutes or so. Shame. Well she probably is straight anyways, because most girls I like are. 

How many cute people to hook up with do I know anyway? I search myself till I finally find my phone, which is just lying there on the table. It’s kind of sticky. Who poured sticky stuff all over my phone? I shake my head in disbelief and blame the waitress. I have to squeeze my eyes to read the names in my contact list. There are quite a few names. Girls I’ve been with, boys I've never called and girls I never called back. Am I really such an asshole? No Clarke, contain yourself. You are not obliged to call anyone. 

Maybe I should just pick a random name? Simply let fate decide. I close my eyes and scroll through the names till I let my finger come to a stop.

\---- 

I squeeze my eyes against bright sunlight and tilt my head for a bit. Ouch, hurts. I got this weird sensation that I’m half naked, and my hand confirms that when I drag it over my body. Why am I naked? Oh my god, I must’ve had sex with someone! I feel around for a blanket and quickly cover my upper body up when finding one. I am still wearing my jeans, which seems kind of strange.

Where am I lying on anyway? It’s no bed, more like a couch. Eventually when my eyes have adjusted to the light, I open them slightly and stare right into two blue eyes belonging to a girl. She’s sitting at the kitchen bar and is wearing a soft-blue shirt and ditto trousers. When I squeeze my eyes I can read ‘Octavia’ on the nametag she's wearing. 

‘And so she has awakened.’ Is the only thing that comes out of her mouth. She sounds kind of relieved. I just stare at her in confusion and realize I don’t recognize her face, even though I’m at her place? I notice I’m lying on a couch in a small living room, a clock let’s me know it’s just past 8 am. When I look past the bright sunlight, I see a great view over the city, so I’m in an apartment apparently. My eyes go back to the blue-eyed girl called Octavia and then it strikes me: I must’ve called her yesterday.

‘So, last night was… nice?’ I ask skeptical. Octavia simply nods half-heartedly and takes another sip from her mug. 

‘It was okay.’

‘Oh. Okay.’ Is the only thing I say while disappointment washes over me. Then I notice a glimmer of amusement in the girl's eyes, and I know she’s messing with me. 

‘We didn’t sleep together last night, did we?’ I ask her. Octavia seems to hold back her laughter and shakes her head before taking another sip. Suddenly a guy comes into the room and smiles at me.

‘Hey there Clarke, did you sleep well? You were really fun last night.’ He says with a smirk. Did I have sex with him? I can’t believe it; he isn’t really my type of guy. I look at him expectantly to tell me more, but he doesn’t say anything else.

‘Did we have sex last night?’ I ask him.

‘Nope, no we didn’t. Don’t worry.’ He says grinning.

‘Oh I’m glad to hear. Sorry, you’re not really my type.’

‘Yeah. I understood that. You called me bro all night, partially because I apparently look like a brother and because the name suits me.’ Lincoln says dryly, quoting the things I said last night apparently. 

‘Yes and after that you stated you’d only make out with girls that night, because the moon was half-full.’ Octavia adds. 

‘I did? Jeez, I can’t really remember…’

‘Oh trust me, you told us that like a zillion times at least.’ She says wide-eyed. I look at the guy for confirmation and he just nods knowingly. 

‘You even opened up the window to tell that to the moon and after that you called for all the gay girls to find you here.’ The guy says, barely able to contain his laughter. I close my eyes and cover my embarrassed face with my hands.

‘I’m so, so very sorry.’ I say, completely ashamed of myself. Octavia simply shrugs and finishes her coffee. ‘So okay, but can someone please tell me what did happen last night? I mean, why am I naked?’

The guy comes to sit across from me, looking dead-serious. ‘Well, you played strip poker with yourself after you smoked this joint you got with you when you came here. After that, you did the weird stuff and basically just passed out on the couch.’ He says. Oh. My. God. How deep can you sink, Clarke. I pull the blanket completely over my head and grunt.

‘I am so, so very sorry.’ I repeat, muffled by the blanket. ‘I’m really not like this normally and I never meant for this to happen.'

‘It’s okay, really. It doesn’t matter. We work at the hospital, so we’ve seen crazy stuff.’ Octavia says nodding. The guy agrees.

‘Alright.’ I say with a relieved sigh. I sit up for a bit and look around for things that could belong to me. ‘Does anyone know where my shirt and bra is by the way?’ I ask.

‘Oh, yeah you threw those out the window.’ The guy says with a smirk. I close my eyes and pray for someone holy to never let me do such stupid things ever again. ‘You even shook with your chest at the moon, oh and you said you’ve never felt more freed.’ He adds, imitating the way I apparently wiggled my boobs at the whole world outside. 

‘Right, of course I did.’ I say with clenched teeth. ‘Could I maybe borrow a shirt from someone then?’ I ask awkwardly. 

‘Actually, I have to go now,’ Octavia says, looking at her watch. ‘But maybe you fit one of Lincoln’s shirts.’ She adds, pointing at the guy across from me.

‘I have some basic black shirts in my closet. You’re free to take one of those, but they’re probably really oversized.’ Lincoln says. ‘I have to go now too.’

‘It’s okay, she can borrow a shirt of mine.’ Someone says from behind me. I turn my head towards the bedroom doors and see a girl standing there. Her greenish eyes are focused on me and her brown, curly hair falls over her shoulder. She’s simply stunning and for some reason I know her name is Lexa. She’s not wearing the blue nurse clothes but just a tank top and jeans, and I’m instantly, completely attracted to her.

‘Thank you.’ Is all that comes out of my mouth. I stand up from the couch with the blanket against my chest. She looks me up and down with the hint of a smile on her face before she turns to her bedroom.

‘So, you were pretty wild last night.’ She says with a hint of amusement in her voice.

‘Yeah, so I’ve heard. I’m sorry for my inappropriate behavior.’ I say, feeling ashamed again.

‘Oh it wasn’t that bad really. Actually, I kind of liked the part where you started playing strip poker with yourself before throwing your stuff out of the window.’ She says while looking through shirts in her closet. I blush instantly. Great, she saw me naked.

‘I’m sorry. I usually never undress myself in front of people I don’t really know.’

‘Don’t be sorry, you have nice…you know.’ Lexa says, her cheeks turning slightly red. She then hands me a blue t-shirt and I turn around to put it on. Lexa takes a seat on her bed, looking the other way until I’ve put on the shirt.

‘So, actually I have one question left: how did I end up in your apartment exactly?’ I ask. Lexa smiles shortly when remembering, and it truly is one of the most beautiful smiles I’ve ever seen.

‘You called me to ask how I was doing and if I wanted to come over and do…things. Although I have no idea how you got my number.’ She explains.

‘Are you being serious right now?’ I ask, covering my face with my hand yet again.

‘Yes. So I just came out of work and was kind of worried about you, because you really didn’t sound fine. You wouldn’t tell me at what bar you were at first, so I just started calling bars in town. One told me they had a drunk blonde sitting alone at a table, so I went there and found you.’

‘Jeez, thank you for going through all that trouble for me.’ I say genuinely. Lexa just shrugs, a blush appearing on her cheeks again. ‘Did I come with you without any trouble?’ I ask kind of hopeful.

‘Well, not really. In that state you couldn’t really walk, so I kind of put my arm around you and dragged you to my car. You opened the window while I was driving, and then you started yelling inappropriate things at random people on the street.’ Lexa says grinning. ‘Oh and when we stopped at an intersection, you asked the guy next to us on a motorcycle if he got any drugs. He gave you a joint.’

‘Fucking hell.’ I say sighing, closing my eyes. I drop myself next to Lexa on the bed and drop my head in my hands. ‘I swear I’ve never done stupid stuff like this before. I’m sorry for causing this amount of trouble.’

‘Don’t be sorry, okay? It was kind of fun and I really needed something fun to happen after a twenty-hour shift at the hospital.’ She says before squeezing my knee with her hand. I look at her hand and then at her face, just realizing how close we are sitting really.

‘That’s good to hear, thanks.’ I say softly, my eyes dropping to her lips for a second.

‘That’s no problem.’ She says, almost whispering. The tension between us is unbearable, as if it’s about to thunder. She looks expectantly in my eyes, waiting for some kind of confirmation. I waste no more time and give her that. 

I move forward and close the inches between our lips. The kiss is soft and filled with excitement, as if our lips are dancing together. Her hands slowly tangle in my hair and my hand cups her chin lightly. It feels more amazing than every kiss I’ve ever had and I can’t believe it’s happening after this weird night. 

After a couple of minutes or so, Lexa suddenly breaks off the kiss and looks me in the eye. ‘I don’t really...I shouldn’t do this.’

‘What do you mean?’ I ask her.

‘I am…I’m just so busy, I don’t really have time for a relationship.’ She says softly, a cute frown forming between her eyebrows. It feels like I’m drowning in her green eyes and I just kiss her again, and again.

‘Don’t worry, okay?’ I say breathless. ‘We’re just making out.’ I add with a small smile.

‘Mm.’ Is all Lexa agrees with before she pulls my shirt over my head again. Okay, or not. We kiss more heated this time, my lips feeling like magnets attracted to hers. We get rid of most of our clothes in the process, our bodies tangled together and our heads resting on the pillows. She grinds against my leg and just as I let my hand slide southwards, the alarm on her phone goes off. She swears under her breath and reaches for it.

‘What is it?’ I ask, breathing heavily. 

‘I have to leave for work in five minutes.’ She says just as breathless.

‘You have an alarm for that? Aren’t you usually already up then?’ I ask her grinning.

‘Shut up, Clarke.’ Lexa says grinning before kissing me roughly and biting my lip. The way she says my name turns me on even more. ‘You sure we can finish this within five?’

‘Like hell we can.’ I say with a low voice before heading south.

A couple of minutes later, we break from each other with a long lingering kiss. Lexa even returned the favor in the quickest way possible, leaving me breathless and surprised. I never come that easy. Fortunately, Lexa thinks it’s kinda cute and seems to feel flattered.

We quickly put back on our clothes and Lexa grabs her bag with her work wear in one quick motion. She lingers at the apartment door, obviously unsure what to say or do. Her beautiful green eyes seem to be stuck into mine and I can’t stand the thought of maybe never even seeing her again.

‘This was fun. It was really great.’ I say awkwardly, my skin still heated. Lexa simply nods and smiles.

‘Yes, it really was.’ She says genuinely. ‘Look, I really have to run now, but feel free to grab some breakfast or anything before you go okay? I guess I’ll see you around.’ She gives me one last lingering look before closing the door behind her and leaving.

I let out a sigh and run my hands through my hair. How in hell did this happen? I mean, this does happen every now and then yes, but not with someone as gorgeous and cute as Lexa. Jeez I’ve had sex that lasted a lot longer that was far worse than this. I can still feel every inch of her body on top of mine, my skin tingling again from the thought. I have got to see her again.

 

After some mindless strolling through the city, I decide to call my roommate and best friend Raven to meet up for brunch. I didn’t really have an appetite after Lexa left, but now I’m getting quite hungry.

‘Wow there, what did you do last night?’ Raven calls out with a quasi-frightened expression on her face. She sits down across from me me at a table outside our favorite restaurant. The favorite restaurant of the entire city basically. 

‘What? Why, can you see what I’ve done?’ I ask confused.

‘Girl, you just look like shit. But also as if you’re dreaming. Or you’re just that tired.’ She ends with a woolly voice.

‘Wow Raven, you always have such a nice way of telling things you notice.’ I say, sarcasm dripping form my voice. 

‘One of my greater talents.’ Raven says with a smug face. ‘But c’mon Griffin, spill it. What happened?’ She asks. I wait to tell her until the waitress has left with our order. But as soon as I open my mouth to tell her about last night, I see a very familiar face.

‘Clarke? What is is?’ Raven asks confused when nothing comes out of my mouth. She turns around to see what I’m looking at, and sees Lexa approaching the restaurant with some girl, both wearing the blue hospital work wear. ‘Hey is that Lexa?’

‘You know her?’ I ask surprised.

‘Of course I do, we used to be in the same class at high school. So what is it, are you crushing on..’ Raven doesn’t finish her sentence, but just looks at me knowingly. ‘I can’t believe it, you totally had sex wit her last night!’

‘Raven don’t be so loud!’ I hiss.

‘So you and the commander, huh.’

‘Commander? Raven, what the fuck?’

‘Oh yeah, she used to be the captain of our football team. She was the best. Everyone looked up to her and followed her orders without a doubt, because she just knew everything. So we started calling her the commander instead of captain. Oh and…’

‘Raven she’s coming this way, what do I do?’ I ask panicked. This is kind of weird, I mean what are the odds that I would meet her here right this time? My panic fades quickly though, because within seconds Raven has this expression on her face that tells me she has a plan. 

‘Don’t you worry, Griffin. I got this.’ She says with confidence. As soon as Lexa and the girl she’s with are in hearing distance, Raven gets up and nonchalantly walks towards her.

‘Lexa, is that you? Oh my god I haven’t seen you in ages!’ Raven exclaims. Lexa looks at her with surprise before smiling at her and giving her a hug. It is then that she sees me and her smile makes room for an intense gaze and a small grin. Raven asks her how she’s doing and leads her to our table.

‘So do you know Clarke here? We’ve been best friends for ages.’ Raven rambles on. So this is me seeing her again after, what is it, two hours since we’ve had the greatest, quickest sex ever. 

‘Good morning Clarke.’ She says, remembering me of the previous time she said my name. The one where she was naked on top of me. I just kind of stare awkwardly before saying a breathless “hey.”’ Lexa seems to find it amusing and turns back to Raven again. After five minutes or so, she leaves again with the girl who picked up their food in the meantime. She simply waves at me and turns to the girl who’s telling her something. Then they get in in the car and leave.

‘She really is nice, isn’t she?’ Raven says smiling.

‘Raven, where’d you talk about?’ I ask impatient.

‘What, were your eyes too busy for your ears to work?’ 

‘Something like that. Now tell me, will you.’ I say, rolling my eyes.

‘I just said we should meet up sometime again and so I suggested to meet up with some friends to eat pizza and watch a movie or something.’ 

‘But, why?’

‘Why? Well because I’ve always liked Lexa and I think you two look cute together.’ She states with a shrug, making me smile.

‘Couldn’t you just lead her away from me or something?’

‘Is that what you would’ve wanted then?’ Raven asks with crossed arms. I don’t really have to think about that answer and shake my head.

‘Thanks, Raven.’ I say genuinely.

‘Hey, I’m just helping myself here. You get really grumpy when you don’t get to sleep with someone every once in a while, you know.’


	2. Pizza & No Strings

It’s the following Friday night and since everyone was free tonight, we decided to hang out and do the pizza-movie thing. We’re meeting at our place and already ordered the pizzas. 

‘Oh guys, it’s so good to see you again!’ Raven says when Lincoln and Octavia arrive. She hugs them both and asks how they’re doing. Apparently, Raven also knows Lincoln and Octavia from high school, so they decided to join Lexa to see each other again. 

‘I can’t believe you actually wanted to see us again.’ Lincoln says to me with a smile. I feel ashamed again right away.

‘Well, I had to prove to you that I actually can behave appropriately.’ I say jokingly.

‘At least it’s good to see you with a shirt on again.’ Octavia chuckles. I hadn’t told Raven the complete version of the story, so she looks at me with surprise. She and Octavia leave to the kitchen and I immediately hear hysterical laughter. Thanks Octavia. 

‘I needed to tell you that Lexa is on her way, her shift lasted a little longer so she’ll be here soon.’ Lincoln says to me. I wonder if he and Octavia know about Lexa and me, but I’m not going to ask. It’s only been three days since I was drunk and stoned at her apartment and we got it on, but it feels like the longest three days in my life.

‘Oh, yeah she isn’t here yet.’ I say as if I hadn’t noticed yet. Lincoln doesn’t seem to fall for it, but I pretend not to notice. ‘So you all work at the hospital then?’ I ask.

‘Yeah, the three of us are all studying medicine and therefore we have to gain a lot of experience at the hospital.’ He explains. His eyes are trained on Octavia in the kitchen the entire time and it makes me wonder.

‘I see. That’s pretty cool! So and Octavia is your...’ 

‘My fellow student, colleague and roommate. And friend of course.’ Lincoln says in a fast rate. I smile and nod. There is clearly something going on between them, because Octavia does the same glance-stealing with Lincoln. 

‘That sure is a lot.’ I say mockingly. But before I can add something to that, someone rings the bell. That must be Lexa. The thought of her makes my heart race and I wonder why that is. When I open the door, we just stare at each other for a moment before a small smile appears on her face.

‘Hello, Clarke.’ Is all she says in a kind of formal tone.

‘Hey, Lexa,’ I say almost breathless, struck by the beauty that she is. ‘Come on in.’ I step aside to let her pass. She put on this really nice perfume that smells amazing. It makes me want to kiss places I kissed before. She hangs up her coat and reveals a black leather jacket over a white tank top. 

Even though I do, I don’t want to be staring. So I walk back to the living room so she knows where to go. Octavia and Raven have set the side table in front of the TV in the meantime, and everybody is sitting and talking comfortably on the couch. 

Everybody’s been chatting with each other for a while now and I haven’t had a chance to talk to Lexa. Not that I mind, because I don’t know what to talk about anyway. But when I return from paying for the pizzas at the door, Octavia has scooted over to Lincoln. 

Now I’m kinda forced to sit next to Lexa, which is absolutely fine but also a little exciting. I mean, what if we’ve got nothing to talk about? Fortunately, Raven takes care of the situation by putting on a movie after drawing the curtains.

Everyone is having pizza and watching the movie, but I can’t really focus on the storyline because of this beautiful brunette sitting next to me. Our arms rub against each other every now and then and I can’t help but notice the rise and fall of her breathing the entire time. I steal glances every once in a while, and Lexa’s staring back at me every time. 

‘So, what do you think of the movie?’ I whisper after a while to break the tensed silence. I look up at her eyes and see a hint of a smile on her face.

‘I think it’s kind of boring.’ Lexa whispers back. I nod in agreement, although I have no fucking clue what the movie is about. ‘I mean; I know a more fun way to spend time.’ She adds. I’m glad the room is dark, because I can feel my cheeks burning instantly.

 _‘Oh yeah?’_ Is all I can ask with a husky voice. Why is my voice that husky? Lexa just nods and dips her gaze at my lips for a long second. My heart starts beating faster and something twitches in my stomach. 

Suddenly Lexa rises from the couch and walks towards the hall. The rest of our friends barely notice it and crane their necks to keep watching the movie as she walks past the TV. Lexa disappears into the darkness of the hall and I can’t wait to go after her, but I don’t want to be suspicious to the others. 

That’s why I wait a good thirty seconds before I walk around the couch to not disturb the TV-heads. It’s very dark in the hall, but the dimmed light in the bathroom is on. I swallow and open up the door, where I see Lexa standing lazily against the back wall. Waiting for me and looking sexy as hell.

‘What took you so...’ Lexa starts. But before she can finish her sentence, I’ve closed the distance between us and kiss her fiery. Lexa instantly moans in my mouth as I push her back firmly against the wall with my own body.

She brings one hand in my hair and one to my waistband, where she just fools around at first. But then, without a warning, she slides her hand in my jeans and inside me. Making me moan loud and low. She chuckles lightly at the sound and covers my mouth with her other hand to make it stop, still moving inside me in a steady rhythm. 

I just can’t stop moaning, even though I try. Lexa just gets me so high, I’ve never been more turned on before. After a while she startles me by turning us both around. Now I’m the one with my back against the wall, not a single inch between our bodies.

Lexa leaves my lips alone for a minute to suck at my pulse point while her hand travels up under my shirt. In the meantime, I let my hands get lost in her hair before I lick her ear playfully. She chuckles and it makes her stop kissing my neck.

She just looks me in the eye for a moment and it feels like she’s discovering every hidden part me. 

When I come, I clench my teeth together to not make a sound. Lexa helps me by kissing me hard until I’m done. Afterwards she just keeps kissing me lazily as I try to contain myself again.

‘We need to do this more often.’ I say breathless.

‘Yes we do.’ Lexa says before she gives me a long, lingering kiss that sends shivers down my spine.

‘Do you want me to finish you up?’ I ask her.

‘I really do, but we’ve been gone for a while now and don’t want our friends to know what’s going on.’

‘You don’t want them to know?’ 

‘Well, what’s there to know? We’re just two people having sex.’ Lexa says with a shrug.

‘Is that what you want?’ I ask.

‘Look Clarke, I’m just really busy with my degree and my work at the hospital. I just don’t have the time for a healthy relationship.’

‘So you just want to have sex? No strings?’

‘If that’s doable for you, yes.’

‘You’re so doable, I couldn’t say no if I tried.’ I say before I kiss her again, my ex-whatever long forgotten.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was a little short, but don't worry much longer ones are coming :)


	3. Pillow Talk & A Day At The Park

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: contains low amount of violence.
> 
> I don't live in LA, so I don't really know anything about the city or the Echo Park.  
> So please let me know if there are major inaccuracies in the following chapters :)

From that day on, Lexa and I text each other almost every day for a meet-up to have great sex again, and again. No strings attached.

We meet up at the hospital and do it in one of the lockable storerooms or the bathroom, where we have to dodge Octavia and Lincoln when they’re on their shift too. Or we meet up at my or Lexa’s place when we know there’s no one around. We meet up at my place for most of the time though, because Raven understood what was going on pretty fast.

‘So, where have you been all morning miss Sunshine?’ Raven asked when I came home one day.

‘Oh I just went for some fresh air.’ I answer nonchalantly after pouring myself a cup of coffee.

‘Some fresh air? Where, between Lexa’s legs?’ Raven continued, all smug faced. I spat out my coffee all over my shoes and dropped my favorite mug. When I eventually admitted it to Raven, I also explained about Lexa rather not having her friends know about it.

It’s actually kind of funny: Lexa has to work so much and so hard while I make my money by simply giving courses. See, I’ve always had a gift for drawing and painting and realized that pretty soon. That’s why I got better and better so I could turn it into a job one day, which I did. It doesn’t pay that well, but it is enough and I love it. Besides that, I can do a _lot_ between the different courses.

I already got to know Lexa a little bit better, which I like. It’s not as if we only give each other pleasure and leave, you know. Our mouths can do other things too. I know for example that she is this huge football fan of the San Diego Chargers. She said her dad used to took her to their games sometimes while her mom went shopping in the city. But that’s also the only thing Lexa would release about her parents.

I also know she likes her coffee black and I know on what temperature she likes her showers. I know she likes to read in her free time and that her favorite book is _To Kill a Mockingbird_ , which she still has to buy someday. She told me about the way she instantly smells the smoke of fireplaces and the scent of leaves when she thinks about that novel. 

It made me realize how much of a special person she is. She has this deep passion for life and living it in the best way, although you can’t really tell from the silent and formal attitude she has over her sometimes. I think it’s beautiful, but I also wonder about why she acts like that sometimes. 

 

One day when Lexa texts me, I ask her to meet up at my work around 4 pm. She hasn’t been there before, because usually she isn’t done working by that time. 

I work at different places around town where I give my courses. Mostly I teach and draw with elderly in the mornings and with middle-aged or younger people in the afternoon. But sometimes I have the luck to draw with children at that time. Then I go to one of the many elementary schools in the city and give my courses in one of their amazing workshops. That’s my favorite thing to do, because children are still so pure and unaffected by the world. They are so creative and see monsters and creatures in every simple line they draw. I love it.

So it’s a little after half past three and I’m not done working yet. I’m just helping a boy around the age of eight drawing a dragon, when I notice a figure standing in the door. When I look up, I see Lexa standing frozen still. Just staring and smiling at me in a sort of adoring way. My heart does this weird jumpy thing as I smile back at her. I go on helping the boy until after he understands how to draw the dragon before I walk over to her.

‘You’re early.’ I say grinning.

‘I’m sorry, I really wanted to see what it is you do all day.’ Lexa says shrugging.

‘Don’t apologize.’ I say. Lexa smiles again and blinks.

‘You should wear your hair up more often, you look cute.’ She says then, making me blush.

‘Well, you never fail to look cute in that leather jacket of yours.’ I say, grabbing the lapels of her jacket to tug her closer. I really want to steal a quick kiss so I let my eyes wander to her...

‘Miss Clarke? Can you help me drawing a fire truck?’ A small voice behind us suddenly asks. I release the lapels and Lexa visibly releases her breath, making me grin. I turn around and kneel in front of the small girl. Her name is Lily and she’s the cutest, brightest little person ever.

‘Of course I can. But do you know Miss Lexa? She is the master in drawing vehicles. Would you let her help you?’ I ask. The small girl simply nods and smiles up at Lexa, who gives me a deadly look. I chuckle and watch as Lexa goes to sit beside the girl at a table. 

I don’t know what I thought would happen, but certainly not this: Lexa is glowing and makes little Lily laugh within seconds. Lexa smiles wildly at the girl and draws her a fire truck so she knows how to draw it herself. When she looks at me with her happy, green eyes, I’m just melting while my heart does this jumpy thing again.

 

‘Do you want children someday?’ I ask Lexa. We’re laying in my bed where we went after I was done working, the both of us feeling satisfied. Lexa is lazily running her fingers over my bare chest and then my arm, her other hand supporting her head. 

‘Why do you ask?’ She asks, looking up at me.

‘You seemed so happy when you helped Lily with her drawing,’ I explain. ‘I lov... I really liked seeing you be so sweet and helpful to her, making her laugh.’ I continue softer. Lexa seems to think about that for a moment, still softly tracing patterns on my skin.

‘Yes, I do want to be a parent someday,’ Lexa starts, the slightest excitement in her voice ‘But I’ll make sure that I will never be anything like my parents.’ She adds, her voice sounding kind of harsh suddenly.

‘Why is that?’ I ask carefully. Lexa keeps staring at her tracing hand without answering, not seeming to want to talk about it. ‘Hey, you can trust me. You know that right? You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.’ I say softly, shaking my head. When Lexa looks back up into my eyes, the only thing I can see is hurt. She nods understanding.

‘My parents, they have never been the progressive kind or the kind you want as a parent.’ She begins. Staring into nothing as if searching for her words. ‘Yes, we’ve had great times and yes my father and I went to a lot of football games together, but in the end it was all about getting a degree and going to university. Finding a husband.’ 

We’re both quiet after that and I squeeze her hand with mine, encouraging her to go on.  
‘They still don’t believe I won’t be marrying a guy. That I’m marrying a girl someday and that I will be happy that way. They can’t…they won’t accept it.’ She adds while shaking her head. A single tear drips down her cheek, but she doesn’t seem to notice it. Lost in her thoughts. I gently wipe the tear away before rolling over and taking her into my arms. 

‘That must be so hard.’ I say softly, my voice breaking. Lexa doesn’t make a sound, but I feel more warm tears dripping on my bare shoulder. We just lay there for a moment in peace. 

Unexpectedly, after a couple of minutes Lexa takes a deep breath and releases herself gently.

‘I should… I should get back to work.’ She says while rising from the bed and putting back on her clothes in a rather fast pace. It isn’t the first time she does this; running away as soon as things get too deep. And I know it’s how she protects herself, but it doesn’t seem very healthy.

‘Do you still see your parents sometimes?’ I ask, making her suddenly stop in her movements.

‘I haven’t seen them in a long time no, but I’m kind of obligated to do so.’ She answers after a while.

‘What do you mean?’ 

‘My sister, Anya. She’s getting married in March. So we’re going to pretend to be this nice, happy family again for at least two weeks till the wedding.’ Lexa explains. I nod and think about it for a moment.

‘Let me guess, you have to bring a _man_ to accompany you.’ I say scoffing. But Lexa just looks me in the eye and I can tell I’m right.

\----

It’s about two weeks later and Raven just came home. I’m just drawing when I notice her standing in the kitchen door, arms crossed.

‘Hey Raven, is there something wrong?’ I ask.

‘There might be.’ She simply says. She sits down at the table and waits for me do the same. I look at her suspiciously, waiting for her to start talking. ‘I don’t know what the exact deal is between you and Lexa, but Octavia told me there’s this colleague called Ava who’s been hanging out with Lexa a lot at work.’ Raven tells. ‘And not just because she wants to be friends.’ She adds. It stings right away.

‘Alright.’ I say after a moment. ‘Well, you know that Lexa and I are just friends who have…’

‘Yes I know that Clarke, you’ve told me that like a thousand times, but what does she really mean to you?’ Raven asks stern, making me think. ‘Because when I asked Lincoln about it, he told me Lexa and that girl did kiss a while back at some party.’ 

‘Well it’s not up to me who she’s kissing or not, I don’t care.’ I say headstrong, although it feels like I’ve been kicked in the guts.

‘You’re lying like a bird telling it’s a mammal Griffin, and you know it.’

‘Some birds actually _are_ …’

_‘Clarke.’_

‘Okay _fine._ Yes, Lexa does mean something to me.’ I say with anger in my voice. Not because she asked about it, but because it’s the truth; I am starting to get feelings for Lexa. Sometimes I’m worried I can’t keep up with this anymore. 

I mean, I know for Lexa it’s just careless sex and I know she doesn’t have time for anything else. I know that in my head. But my heart doesn’t and I feel that I’m starting to crush on her slowly and piece by piece, even though I want to keep denying it so badly. The scary part is that I know this’ll all be over if I would tell her. So that’s why I choose head over heart. 

‘So, what are you going to do about it? Are you gonna let that girl Ava get away with her?’ Raven asks kind of challenging.

‘Raven, it isn’t that simple. Lexa doesn’t do relationships.’

‘Well, you better make her before that girl does.’ Raven says before shoving her chair backwards firmly and walking away. Leaving me alone with my thoughts.

\----

 _I don’t have feelings for Lexa._ That’s what I tell myself for the tenth time in the mirror one Saturday morning.

‘Are you almost done? I need to fix my hair!’ Raven calls from outside the bathroom as the pounds on the door.

‘As if you don’t end up wearing your hair in a ponytail.’ I call back mockingly before opening up the door.

‘Wow can you cover yourself up? I’m not into you Griffin, you can’t impress me.’ Raven jokes. I chuckle and walk back to my room to change. I’m wearing a towel that’s covering up pretty good, but of course Raven has to say something stupid. Saying stupid things is kind of her thing, and I have to admit that I love her for it.

‘I’m not really into impressing you Raven, you’re just not my type.’ I comment with a grin as I return to the bathroom fully-clothed.

‘Well you’re trying to impress someone, or you wouldn’t be wearing that outfit.’ Raven remarks with a smirk. 

‘Oh shut up.’ I snap back, rolling my eyes. I’m just wearing my favorite grey tank top – which happens to be a low-cut one – with my biker jacket, dark ripped jeans and white sneakers. There’s this small music festival in the Echo Park where we decided to go to with some friends. And yes, Lexa will be there too, but that isn’t the reason why I’m wearing the outfit I know looks good on me. I’m just wearing it because I can.

As Raven finally puts her hair in a ponytail like I said, I hand her her favorite red jacket before we head out the door. It’s already late November and there’s still no sign of autumn starting and the summer ending, except for leaves that are already turning brown. Today there’s a nice and warm temperature and there are no clouds to be seen. 

To my surprise it’s easy to find a good parking spot, even though it is already pretty crowded. It’s a little after 1 pm when we finally find our first two friends on a picnic blanket under a big oak tree. Lincoln is laying down with his head on Octavia’s legs while she’s reading a magazine.

‘Hey there you finally are!’ Lincoln says, quickly rising his head from Octavia’s legs. We take a seat and I can’t help but smile. I wonder when they finally get together. ‘Do you have _any_ idea how long me and Octavia have been waiting for someone to show up?’

‘No, but please tell me.’ Raven comments with a straight face. Lincoln shakes his head grinning.

‘But seriously, we’ve been protecting this particular shadowy space for two hours or so. No one was here yet, so we had first choice.’ He says.

‘Well if you had that much choice back then, why couldn’t you have gotten us a place in the sun?’ Raven asks smug-faced, being rewarded with a quasi-angry look from Octavia. 

After a while, two guys I haven’t seen before called Jasper and Monty join us too. They must’ve been doing some kind of funny stuff before they got here, because they can’t stop giggling and they keep cracking really bad jokes. Even Octavia’s older brother Bellamy joins us for a bit. He can’t seem to keep his eyes off of me, but I’m really not into him.

In the meantime, the first band has already started playing and everyone is talking and eating the food we brought with us. Still, I can’t really focus on the conversations, because the one person I truly want to talk to isn’t here.

‘Hey, how are you doing?’ Raven asks me after a while when I’m searching the crowds for her face once again.

‘I’m doing fine.’ I say shrugging.

‘No you’re not. You’re all tense, I can feel it here.’ She says. I loosen up my shoulders at that and sigh. 

‘I’m sorry, I’m not much fun.’ I say, turning to Raven to give her my full attention. ‘Actually, I was wondering how that mechanical project at your work is going.’ I say. Raven looks at me with squeezed eyes at first before she gives in. 

Raven is the best engineer on her job, maybe even the best one of Los Angeles, and she’s always very passionate about it. In the many years that I’ve got to know her, I learned one important thing: don’t ever make a joke about mechanics or about her job in general. If you do so, she will proceed to bring it up again for the next two weeks so she can annoy and lecture you about the importance of mechanics.

I try to focus on her story, because the project does seem really interesting, but she just uses too many technical terms. I just keep nodding and humming in agreement, which seems to work. When I nod again, she just looks at me weirdly.

‘Didn’t you hear what I just said?’ She asks. I frown and focus on her face.

‘What?’

‘I think _someone’s_ looking for you.’ She repeats. I turn in the direction she points and it’s then that I see a familiar face who seems to search the crowds. Lexa isn’t too far away and I’m about to rise from my seat, when a girl shows up to her. 

I don’t know if I’m seeing it right, because I only ever saw her in a picture on Facebook, but I’m pretty sure it’s Ava who’s talking to Lexa. I glance back at Raven and she looks at me knowingly. Ava is touching Lexa arms while she laughs about something, and it irritates me because the moment of contact is lasting too long. Without really thinking it through, I grab my phone and send a message to Lexa.

_She isn’t cute enough for you_

I see Lexa grabbing her phone from her back pocket and reading the screen. She then instantly looks up and searches the crowds again. After a moment her eyes finally meet mine and my heart kind of swells for a second. She excuses herself from Ava and walks over to us, although Ava doesn’t seem to be very happy with that. Somehow Ava’s eyes meet mine, and I swear: the Devil has got nothing on her.

 

I’m walking around the park with Lexa after telling our friends we’re getting drinks. Really, we’re just making our way over to the lake, away from the music and the people. 

I almost can’t take my eyes off of Lexa; she’s wearing this bright blue crop top that ends right above her abdomen and shows off her perfect abs. Under that she wears shorts that really show off her long, tanned legs, and white sneakers. At the same time, Lexa can’t seem to take her eyes off of me as well.

‘So, you don’t think Ava’s cute?’ Lexa asks when we eventually make our way out of the crowds. I see sparkles of amusement in her eyes.

‘Well, not cute enough for someone as cute as you.’ I say. I try to say it casually, but something does harden in her eyes.

‘So, you’re not jealous or anything?’ 

‘No.’ I say scoffing. ‘Of course not.’

‘Because even if I _did_ like her, that doesn’t change what’s going on between us.’ Lexa explains without looking me in the eye.

‘No it doesn’t, I know that.’ I say with a shrug. ‘But you like her then?’ 

‘Clarke, I’m not yours. It isn’t any of your business.’ She says with a strong voice and yet soft eyes. ‘I really like hanging out with you and _doing_ you, but that’s it.’

‘Lexa it was a joke, okay? Please relax.’ I say softly as I take her hand and squeeze is. Still it feels like my heart just dropped to my stomach.

After we both let it go, we go back to normal and talk away about every little thing there’s to talk about. She looks so beautiful with the sun on her face and her brown, curly hair lit by the light. But I tell myself to ignore that and to concentrate on the story she’s telling. Eventually we walk back to our friends with beers, but by that time they already bought some themselves.

 

I’m thinking about how great today has been while I unlock my car. I’m bringing back the dirty plates Raven and me took with us for the food in advance. That way we can go somewhere else without having to carry them with us. It’s really been a fun day and everyone’s feeling relaxed and a little bit tired already. We also went dancing for a bit, but I purposely didn’t get too close to Lexa. 

As I close the back door of my car, I hear someone nearing me.

‘Had a nice day?’ A woman’s voice asks. I turn around and see Ava standing there. Apparently her car is parked two spots away from mine. She unlocks a gorgeous sports car and puts her bag inside.

‘Yeah, sure.’ I answer carefully. ‘That’s a nice car, is it yours?’ I ask.

‘Yes it is. Hard work makes good money, you know.’ She says with a smile that doesn’t feel genuine.

Up-close, I can see she’s kind of beautiful. Not the kind that attracts me, but she sure is a pretty girl: brown eyes, blonde hair and a good figure. Still, not cute enough for someone as fine as Lexa.

‘I see. So, you’re a colleague of Lexa?’ I ask.

‘Yes I am. Yeah we’re hanging out a lot at work. We get along pretty well.’ Ava says with this complacent smile that makes me wanna wreck her car.

 _‘I see.’_ I repeat with a forced smile. Ava just looks me up and down for a second.

‘Look, I know what’s going on between you and Lexa. You’re sleeping with her, right?’ She asks with this piercing gaze.

‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’ I react scoffing. Ava just nods once. She must’ve figured that one out herself, because there’s no way in hell Lexa told her that. Not even our friends know and I’m sure Ava isn’t a real friend of Lexa.

‘I get it: she needs contact, she calls you after work and the two of you get it on for a good ten minutes. It’s working, for now. But you should know that eventually she will end up with me.’

‘Oh yeah?’ I ask sarcastic. ‘And what makes you think that?’

‘Well, for starters I am the one with a _real_ job. I’m the one saving lives, rescuing people.’

‘You realize said things mean the same?’ I ask her in a way to make her feel dumb.

‘And second of all,’ She starts, ignoring me hard. ‘I’m a _real_ grown-up, and that’s exactly what Lexa needs in her life.’

‘You don’t know _anything_ about me or Lexa’s life.’ I react scowling, feeling anger raging through my veins. Ava nods complacently.

‘Just look at yourself, you’re bottling up your useless emotions like a little child. It’s so pathetic. You will never be enough for Lexa’s…’ Before she can even finish that sentence, I shoot forward and smack her in the face with my fist. Hard. She falls backwards against her car, her hand grabbing her now bleeding nose.

‘Emotions aren’t _that_ useless, honey.’ I say with a dark voice. ‘Now leave me and Lexa the fuck alone or I will _break_ your fragile little nose next time.’ I growl slowly and clear. The bitch simply nods and looks at me wide-eyed. I huff and lock my car before I casually walk back into the park, leaving her startled.


	4. Just Hold On, We're Going Home

It’s been a while since we've had our nice day at the park and I smacked a bitch. I walked away from Ava feeling pretty full of myself, but now I kind of regret it. I don’t regret the part where my hand hit her face, but I do hate the part where her face hit my hand. It really fucking hurts and it’s turning kind of green now. 

I’m sure Ava hasn’t told Lexa about what happened, because Lexa hasn’t mentioned anything about it to me. But even if she had told her, I would simply explain what’s happened. Still it makes things easier when I don’t have to do that.

In the meantime, it’s December and it is almost Christmas. The weather’s finally getting colder and the days are getting darker and darker. Instead of doing presents on Christmas Eve, we’ve all decided to go to a grand party that night. 

But actually I really want to get Lexa a present. Something small, but also something big. Just something nice. I’ve been looking through multiple gift magazines and have really been searching the stores for a good present, but nothing seems to be just good enough. It’s when I’m making a drawing whilst sitting on the couch one afternoon when Raven gets me an idea. 

‘You really should read this book sometime, Clarke. It’s amazing.’ Raven says. She’s lying upside down on the couch across from me with her feet dangling over the edge. A big book being held up above her head.

‘I think you could get really strong arms from doing that.’ I say grinning. Raven looks at me scowling, offended by calling out her silly reading position. 

‘No but this is really amazing. It’s a first copy of this masterpiece that’s really being loved by people like me.’

‘You mean people from mechanic world?’ I ask while I take a seat next to her. Raven tactfully ignores that and sits up straight, so she can show me her book about an important mechanical subject.

‘Look, because it’s the first copy it has the autograph of the author and everything. Even the notes she made while writing it are in the book, isn’t that amazing?’ Raven explains with eyes filled with enthusiasm. I smile and nod.

‘Yes it is, Raven. That must be really cool.’ I say genuinely.

‘It is, it is.’ She mumbles before starting to read again. ‘So, did you already find Lexa a present?’

‘I’m not getting her a…’

‘ _Clarke_ , you’ve been more obvious in your search than a black jaguar is in white snow.’ Raven says. After a moment Raven looks up from reading her book, because I still haven’t responded to her comment. I’m just staring into the distance, my mind working like crazy.  
‘Clarke, what is it? You’re scaring me a little here.’

‘Raven, you’re a _genius!_ ’

‘Of course I am.’ She says smug-faced. ‘Wait, but why this time?’ I just roll with my eyes and smile.

‘I’m getting Lexa a first copy of her favorite book!’ I explain excited. 

‘Wow, dude. Do you even know how expensive most first copies are?’ Raven asks wide-eyed.

‘I know, but it’s going to be so worth it.’

‘What book are you getting her then? _Clarke?_ ’ Without answering her, I grab my coat and race out the door and to my car. Heading to the oldest, biggest bookstore I know called _Oliver’s Treasures_.

It takes me about half an hour to get there and I’m getting more and more excited about it on my way. I can’t wait to see the look in Lexa’s eyes when she opens the present and sees her favorite book just lying there. I also can’t wait to watch her lit-up face as she reads it. 

Luckily the store still is open when I arrive. The door and the windows are completely covered in decorations, which provides this extra cozy feeling. Because it’s almost Christmas, it’s even more crowded than usual and the atmosphere is great.

I don’t really know where to start searching, so I just start going through the best-sellers and after that I’m searching on the author’s last name “Lee”. I do find some copies, but those aren’t first editions. I sigh in frustration and look for the next section I can go through.

After I’ve been through three more sections, I feel hopeless and kinda like giving up. I know most other bookstores in the city don’t have original copies and I really had my hopes set on this one. I could get a first copy online, but I’m sure I won’t get it in time for Christmas Eve. 

Just as I’m doubting between continuing my search or going home, I notice an old man in a suit approaching me. He has this really kind face and his full, white hair has been brushed in shape with care. 

‘Hello there, young lady.’ He greets me. ‘I have this feeling you’re looking for something special.’ He ends with a warm smile. I’m taken aback a little bit at the approach, so I just nod at first.

‘Yes sir, that’s entirely right.’ I respond. ‘I’m looking for a first copy.’

‘Ah, a first copy. Well, you should know that we don’t keep those on the regular shelves. First copies need to be taken good care of, you see? That’s why we keep them separated from the rest.’ I nod in comprehension. ‘Please follow me.’ He says before turning around and walking away from me. He doesn’t look behind him to see if I’m following, he simply knows I do so. 

Together we’re walking over to the back of the big store. There we we come to a door that reads _private_. He unlocks it with a key from his pocket and it leads to a small room filled with bookshelves and a single desk with two chairs. It doesn’t smell musty at all, although I had expected that.

‘It smells good here, doesn’t it?’ He asks as if he’s reading my mind.

‘Yes it does.’ I agree in surprise. ‘How is that even possible?’ 

‘Well we have this system that keeps the air flowing through the room, without making the pages of the book flutter. That way the copies stay in a good shape and we won’t get an unpleasant smell here.’ I look at him astonished with this new knowledge and he gives me a warm smile. ‘Now, tell me about that first copy you’re searching for.’ 

‘Oh, yes the copy. Well I would like to have the first copy of _To Kill a Mockingbird_.’ I explain. The man just nods, but he has this expression on his face that tells me he doesn’t have it here.

‘I understand it’s a beautiful book, but I’m afraid I’m not able to help you.’ He tells me while shaking his head. Disappointment instantly washes over me. I look at my feet and nod. If this store doesn’t even have it, where could I get it then on such short notice?

‘Alright, that’s okay.’ I say, trying not to show him how very disappointed I truly am. ‘I’ll just have to find her something else.’ I mutter, more to myself than to him.

‘I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you properly there.’ The man says.

‘I said that it’s alright, I can deal with it.’

‘No, no I mean after that.’ He says.

‘Oh, it’s…I came up with this idea to buy someone this first copy for Christmas, but I don’t think I’ll be able to find it somewhere else in time. Unless you could suggest another store?’ I ask. The man says nothing, but just looks at me for a while.

‘Is the copy meant for a special someone?’ He asks then. I think about Lexa and my heart rate instantly speeds.

‘Yes, yes it is.’ I say with a small smile. The man nods, a knowing look on his face.

‘And you are sure that your special someone is worth the expenses of this particular novel?’ I nod determined, unsure where he’s going to. 

‘Well then.’ He simply says before turning around and walking over to one of the many shelves. He blindly reaches for a spot on the shelf and takes a copy from it very carefully. He blows some dust from the cover before he walks back to me. This grin on his face. ‘If that’s the case, I _am_ able to help you. In fact, I’ve got the first edition of _To Kill a Mockingbird_ for you here.’ He says with a cheeky look on his face. I just look at him without being able to say a word, still incredulous.

‘I don’t understand.’ I eventually say. ‘Why didn’t you want me to have it at first?’

‘Well you see, novels are special; they can take you to places that don’t exist in the real world. Places that are created in our hearts and heads. But besides being special, a first edition also consists of two other elements. It also is _magical;_ it’s a raw and pure translation of the mind, and above that, it has these notes from the author magically hidden in the novel itself.’

‘Wow.’ Is the only thing I can say when he has stopped talking. ‘I’ve never thought about it like that, it’s intriguing. But what is the third element?’ I ask curious. He looks at me with this expression as if he’s been waiting for that question.

‘It’s _love,_ my dear. A first edition has been published in the exact presentation the author has always intended. Especially a marvelous writer like Harper Lee has poured her whole heart in this special novel, that instantly turned into something special itself. And that is why this first edition is meant to be given to someone special themself.’

‘That really is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard.’ I say in awe. He smiles his warm smile again and shrugs.

‘Thank you, that’s really kind of you to say. And you know what? Because it’s almost Christmastime, you can get the copy for half the price.’

‘For half the price?’ I repeat in shock. ‘But is the owner even okay with that?’

‘Yes, don’t worry about that. You see, _I am_ the owner.’

While I pay at the counter in the front of the store, I can’t stop thinking about the story the man just told me. The man who is the owner of this great store. _Oliver’s Treasures._

‘Are you still in shock?’ Oliver asks me while he carefully wraps the copy.

‘Yes, I am.’ I answer chuckling. ‘Thank you so much for letting me have it.’

‘That’s no problem.’ He says as he hands over the precious present. ‘Make sure you capture the happiness on her face when you give this to your special someone, will you? And Merry Christmas.’ He continues before he smiles one last time. He then walks away to the back as I blink incredulous.

Wait a minute. _Her_ face. He heard me all this time? He knew I wasn’t talking about some boy; he knew I was talking about a girl. It makes me feel warm inside to know he truly understands the definition of ‘love’. 

\----

It finally is Christmas Eve, and I’ve been super excited to give my present to Lexa all day long. In fact, I’ve been excited the entire past week and It’s been really hard to not have mentioned anything to her. But tonight finally is the night.

Before we go out, we’re going to watch a movie at Lexa, Lincoln and Octavia’s place. Raven really hopes we’re going to watch _the Grinch_ , but I’m more in for something like _the Holiday._ It doesn’t really matter though, after all it’s about us all hanging out together and eating snacks and having lots of drinks. 

And after that we will all be heading to this cool Christmas party. Raven and I even went shopping for dresses. I found this really cool, black cocktail dress with matching high heels that I’ll be wearing. The dress is slim around my figure and makes my cleavage come out good, but it isn’t too tight. Just right.

I am kind of worried about Lexa though, because she hasn’t responded to my texts which I sent a couple of hours ago. I’ve only sent two, – mostly about how excited I am – but it still bothers me that she hasn’t answered them. Because she always does.

When we finally arrive at their place around 9 and Lexa, Lincoln and Octavia open the door, I almost get a heart-attack from the sight of Lexa. She’s wearing men’s dress shoes, black jeans that are kind of loose, a white blouse and a grey suit jacket that fits perfectly. Her brown hair is tugged back in a loose ponytail with braids into it as well, and I’m just burning up. Holy mother of god, I hope I’ll make this night alive. 

Lincoln seems to notice the look on my face, because he scoffs and takes Octavia and Raven with him to the living room. He closes the door behind them, which leaves Lexa and me alone in the hall. Lexa puts her hands in the pockets of her jeans and just looks at me with those gorgeous green eyes, a hint of a smile around her lips.

‘Lexa, are you trying to kill me tonight or something?’ I ask in all seriousness.

‘Why would you think that, Clarke?’ She asks innocently, this mischievous look in her eyes. She ten proceeds to get a folded, black tie out of her jacket pocket.

‘Oh boy, you really are killing me here.’ I say, my voice barely audible. It’s when Lexa takes a long, lingering look at my dress and entire figure that I know I’m having the same effect on her. 

‘Do you think I should wear this tie?’ She asks then, her left eyebrow slightly moving as she does so. She puts it around her neck and ties it with confident movements, never once looking down if she’s doing it right. I take a deep, shaky breath as I take in how very hot and attractive she’s looking right now.

‘I think you should.’ I say, my voice husky. Lexa’s gaze intensifies at the sound as she fixes her collar around the tie. 

‘You do?’ She asks, her voice steady as she takes a step towards me. I nod while biting my lip and before I even can, Lexa then closes the distance between us. She kisses me fiery and I grab her tie to tug her even closer against my body. Lexa immediately let’s out a muted moan and I hope it isn’t audible in the living room.

‘Shh, be quiet.’ I whisper as I kiss her lips again and again, feeling like an addict. I feel her hands slide all over my body as I let mine explore their way under her jacket. Her soft roundings, her long back and her warm, smooth skin.

Unfortunately, after a couple of minutes someone knocks on the front door. It scares the hell out of me and I bite on Lexa’s lip a little too hard.

‘ _Ow,_ damn it Clarke.’ Lexa curses. She let’s go of me and wipes away some blood that’s already on her lip. She let’s her tongue slide over her bottom lip, and I realize I’ve been staring for too long at her lips when there’s another knock on the door. Lexa looks at me amused as she straightens her jacket and tie. 

When she opens the door, the two guys called Monty and Jaspers who were all funny in the park are standing there. We let them in and decide to join them in the living room with the others, also very unfortunate.

‘Hey there you finally are, what took you so long?’ Lincoln asks. ‘We really want to start the movie.’ 

‘Oh we just bought some booze, you know.’ Monty answers while holding up a bottle.

‘Nice Monty! But actually my question was directed to Clarke and Lexa.’ He says amused.

‘Oh, what took us so long?’ I react a fraction of a second too late. ‘Well, I gave Lexa her present.’ I respond quickly.

‘You did? Oh Lexa what did you find of the…’ Raven starts.

‘She hasn’t opened it yet!’ I mention quickly. Raven closes her mouth and smiles her biggest smile.

‘Ooh do we get presents too?’ Octavia asks.

‘ _Maybe.’_ I say. Octavia nods and smiles. I should remember to buy her a present later. 

‘Now let’s watch the Grinch together, okay?’ Raven yells excited. Monty and Jasper take a seat with the others and I want to join them too, but Lexa takes my arm and leads me to the kitchen.

‘You have a present for me?’ She asks. I can’t believe how she went from super hot and sexy to this cute person asking for her present in one second. It’s adorable.

‘Yeah, I just saw this thing in some store and thought you would like it.’ I say, shrugging nonchalantly. I take two beers form the fridge and open them up.

‘Thank you, that’s sweet.’ She says with a warm smile.

‘You haven’t even seen it.’ I say grinning.

‘No, but the gesture is sweet.’ She responds, making me blush.

‘But I’ll give it to you later, okay? Let’s just watch the movie with them before they all go crazy.’ I say chuckling. I hand her the bottle and she nods. Before she takes a sip, she gives me another lingering look that makes me feel very warm inside. 

‘I’m sorry I didn’t text you back by the way. I’ve had a headache all day and since I was free I kind of slept all day long.’ Lexa explains.

‘Ah, that really sucks. Isn’t it better to avoid alcoholic drinks right now then?’ I ask worried.

‘Well, I’m not having a headache right now. I think you kissed it better.’ She says grinning. I roll my eyes playfully at that before we walk back to the living room and take a seat with the others.

 

The Grinch is a nice movie, but it’s even better when you’ve had too much too drink. The strange noises of the people and the way the Grinch behaves just look funnier now. I don’t know. Everyone, especially Raven, is commenting crazy stuff on the movie. Which they all seem to find hilarious now. In one way or another I ended up laying half on top of Lexa, my legs tangled with hers and my head resting on her shoulder. We both don’t seem to care and so does the rest, or they’re just too tipsy to notice. 

When it’s almost midnight, we decide to call a cab to bring us to the big party. When we are in the cab though, I remember my present is still in Lexa’s apartment. Unopened. Stupid. Typical for Lexa to not mention anything about her present again and letting me completely forget about it. I’ll just give it to her later then.

The party is in this big club just outside the city center. It looks really cheerful with all the decorations and this big Christmas tree outside. Inside it’s pretty crowded already, and we blend in with the rest of the people on the dance floor for the next hours. 

The booze makes me feel even _more_ attracted to Lexa if possible, and my eyes won’t leave her alone. Although I do still remember it’s rude to stare. I’ve been noticing a lot of other girls and boys eying Lexa too, and I must admit that I don’t really like that. 

But I don’t blame them; she just looks so gorgeous and beautiful and hot. After one more song, I can’t handle it anymore. Dazzled by the look of her, I close the distance between us and wrap my arms around her neck. She simply grins and nuzzles her nose in my neck while we move on the music. 

Now I feel even more dazzled by her warm arms and her lovely scent all around me. The soft breathing of her in my neck sends shivers down my spine and I wish we could stand like this forever. We dance like that for a long time before we break apart to dance with the others. Still, Lexa’s eyes are constantly fixed on me.

At one moment, a girl comes over and huggs Lexa. I’ve seen her before on photos in Lexa’s room and she introduces herself as Anya, Lexa’s sister. She’s the one and only sister who’s getting married soon to Matthew, who she’s here with. 

‘You must be Clarke; I’ve heard about you a lot.’ She tells me when we all head over to a quieter area to have a drink. I look over at Lexa, who’s standing at the bar.

‘You have?’ 

‘Yeah you _hang out_ a lot and stuff, right?’ She asks with a grin. ‘Don’t worry, Lexa only told me about it. We tell each other things like this.’

‘Ah, that’s alright I understand. Yes, we are pretty close at the moment.’ I say. Anya looks me in the eye for a moment.

‘You should know that Lexa hasn’t talked about anyone in the way she talks about you in a long time. You’re good for her.’ She says, leaving me kind of speechless before she heads over to Lexa. 

So Lexa told her about me, not in a way she usually talks about girls. Could that, you know, mean something? I sigh and look over at Lexa again. She has her hand against her forehead and seems to be drinking some water. When she and Anya walk back over to us, I ask her how she’s doing.

‘Oh I’m fine, but the stupid headache is back. It feels like my head explodes.’ She answers, frustration in her voice. It’s only half past 2 am, and I’m sure our friends aren’t done partying by far. I notice Anya looks at her sister with worry on her face. 

‘Let me just take you home then.’ I suggest softly. Lexa doesn’t look up at me and takes another sip of her water.

‘Clarke, I don’t want to ruin this party for you. It’s okay, I can get home myself.’ She responds sweet.

‘You wouldn’t ruin it, and I’m kind of done here anyway.’ I say as I squeeze her hand. When Lexa looks up at me, I can see how tired she is. She really should rest now. Eventually she nods and we say goodbye to the rest. 

When we finally arrive at her place, Lexa walks over to the kitchen and starts to search the cupboards. She’s clearly exhausted.

‘Why don’t you take a seat on the couch and I’ll find you some aspirins, okay?’ I suggest softly, placing my hands on her arms to stop her in her movements. Lexa just nods without any resistance, her face worrying pale. 

She takes off her jacket before she drops herself down on the couch, undoing her tie and unbuttoning her blouse slightly. Probably because she’s warm, but I don’t even bat an eye at it. I find some aspirins in the bathroom and take them to Lexa with a glass of water. As I sit down next to her, she rises up with effort to swallow the medicine.

‘Come, let’s get you to bed. I think you’re getting sick, Lexa.’ I say, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear. Lexa simply nods in agreement and rises from the couch with my help. It really hurts my heart to see her like this. She kicks off her shoes when we’re in her bedroom and lies down on her bed.

‘Thank you for being here for me, Clarke.’ Lexa says softly, her eyes closed. 

‘Anytime.’ I say. I lie down next to her and drag the blanket over her. We just lie there together for a while, both quiet and both with our eyes closed. I notice again how nice it feels with her next to me. Every now and then, I rise up a little to check on her. Her cheeks are red and they seem warm, so I get up quietly to refill her glass.

‘I’m still curious for the present you got me.’ She says as I come back with some more water. She’s sitting up with her back against the headboard of the bed now. I hand her the water and she gives me a grateful look before drinking some.

‘I’m curious what you’ll think about it.’ I say as I walk to the hall where the present is still waiting for me. When I come to sit across from Lexa on the bed, it’s clear the aspirins are working; she doesn’t seem to be that bothered by her head anymore. Still, her cheeks are feverishly red. 

I don’t have to tell her to be careful with the present, because she opens it up very slowly and with much care. When she finally reaches the book that’s inside the paper, her expression is a mix of shock and surprise.

‘Clarke…’ She says breathless, making the hairs on my skin rise from joy. Her eyes shoot between the book and my eyes before she continues. ‘This is a first edition.’ She states in the same breathless way.

‘That’s right.’ I say with a small smile. 

‘Clarke, this is my favorite book! How did you…’ Lexa doesn’t finish her sentence but just shakes her head. She is absolutely adorable.

‘You once told me that, yes. So I decided to get you a copy.’ I explain.

‘But first editions are super expensive, oh my god you didn’t have to do this.’ Lexa says, shaking her head.

‘But I wanted to.’ I say with a shrug. Lexa then gives me the brightest smile before she carefully starts swiping through the pages.

‘Thank you.’ She says with the most delighted expression on her face, giving me what I’ve been waiting for. I simply smile and move over so I’m sitting next to her with my back against the headboard. ‘But Clarke, I don’t even have a present for you.’ She says sad.

‘Will you please tell me about your favorite parts? I’ll gladly take that as a present.’ I tell her. 

And that’s all I needed to say to keep us talking for hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually watched the Holiday to get into the Christmas vibes again haha. I hope you enjoyed this one :)


	5. Radio Silence & Jealousy

I wake up the next morning because of Lexa saying my name. I thought I was dreaming at first, but when I open my eyes I notice I’m snuggled up against Lexa’s back. My arm around her waist and my nose in her soft hair, both still fully-clothed. 

_‘Clarke.’_ Lexa whispers again, a little louder this time. I move back my arm and sit up slowly. Lexa also sits up and brushes her hands through her hair.

‘Have we been spooning?’ I ask, my voice low from sleeping.

‘Yes, we have,’ Lexa says with a raspy voice. ‘This is _bad._ ’ 

It is? Oh. Yeah. People who only occasionally have sex, do not spend the night together spooning…

‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have stayed for the night; I should’ve just gone home.’ I say. Lexa just looks at me and I can see she’s struggling with something.

‘Clarke, maybe we shouldn’t do this anymore.’ She says eventually, her eyes soft and a frown on her face.

‘Do what?’ I ask, although I know exactly what she means.

‘Look what if we just stayed friends, okay? Maybe we should just hook up with someone else.’ She suggests, looking at her hands. I just stare at her for a moment while letting her words sink in.

‘You want me to see other people.’ It’s more of a statement than a question. Lexa nods.

‘Yes. I think that will be good for the both of us.’ She says with a shrug.

‘Are you being serious?’ I ask, my voice rising.

_‘Yes, Clarke!_ Go to the nearest bar and score someone, I don’t care.’ Lexa says, sounding kind of irritated. 

‘Well, _fine._ Then I’ll go and have sex with somebody else.’ I say with clenched teeth as I grab my shoes from under the bed.

_‘Fine,_ do that. I’ll go do the same.’ She says, making me clench my teeth even harder.

_‘Great.’_ I say while opening the bedroom door.

‘This is going to be good for us.’ She says.

‘Sure Lexa. _Merry Christmas.’_ I say sarcastic as I close the door behind me.

 

‘Well maybe it actually could be good for you, Clarke.’ Raven tells me. She takes a sip of her hot chocolate as I look at her incredulously. We’re sitting in a café and I just told Raven about what happened this morning.

‘Are you choosing Lexa’s side right now?’

‘Look, we both know you’ve been crushing hard on her. Maybe this is a good way to let that fade away a little.’

‘But I don’t want it to go away.’ I say pouting. Raven gives me an understanding look, and offers me the leftovers of her apple pie. I sigh and take off a piece with my fork. ‘Now, will you please tell me about this boy you’ve been seeing?’ I ask her. Raven’s face lights up immediately. She slides her phone out of her pocket and shows me a picture. 

‘His name is Wick. Well technically his last name is, but everyone just calls him Wick.’

‘He looks cute.’ I say with a smile.

‘We’re not dating yet, but he’s already mine.’ Raven says, protectively clenching her phone against her chest. I chuckle and shake my head at my silly friend.

‘I’m glad to see you happy again.’ I say with a smile. She takes my hand over the table and squeezes it.

‘I hope you will be happy again soon, too.’ She says genuinely, making my heart melt.

\----

It’s about two weeks later on a Saturday and the new year has made its entrance already. I still haven’t had any contact with Lexa and that really sucks. In fact, there’s been complete radio silence between us since then. Raven – who’s been hanging out with Octavia a lot – told me Lexa had been sick for a couple of days, but that she’s doing better now. 

I wanted to go see her, I really did. But I didn’t know what to expect then, didn’t know if Lexa would even be willing to see me. It’s unbelievable how much I miss her and how much I want to hear her warm voice and see her beautiful, green eyes again. 

I wonder if she’s still reading the novel I gave her, or if she has already finished reading it. I also wonder about the thing she said. About getting it on with someone else herself too.

I mean, what if she has already done that? What if she’s seeing that girl now for their occasional meetings, just like we used to do. It makes me fume and feel helpless. 

What if that girl is Ava, annoying fucking Ava. I clench my teeth at the thought and take a deep breath. 

Anyway, that isn’t any of my business; Lexa can sleep with anyone she likes. We’re not a couple and I fear we never will be. But I do crave for the relationship we had again, I miss her scent and her warm skin. But I have the feeling it will turn out okay. Still, I’m not giving in. Not until she does.

‘Earth to Clarke!’ Raven yells as she waves her hand in front of my face. Right. I’ve been at this club with Raven for some hours now, because Raven wanted me to score “someone delicious”. 

‘Sorry, what?’ I ask, zoning back in.

‘I just said there’s someone over there who tries to get your attention.’ She repeats. I follow her gaze and see a girl sitting on a couch with another girl. I don’t even care if one of them is into me or not, I really just want to sit down. That’s why I grab Raven’s hand and drag her with me.

‘Hi.’ One of the girls greets. They both seem pretty drunk as they sit down beside Raven and me on the couch. They introduce themselves as Tracy and Carly.

‘Did you know you are a very good dancer.’ Tracy says to me in a kind of slurring way. She let’s her eyes slide across my body as if she wants to do me right here right now. To my surprise it makes me feel kind of uncomfortable. Lexa never made me feel that way, while she used to look at me the same way. 

‘No, but thanks. I usually just do something that makes me feel like I’m dancing.’ I answer with a shrug. Both of the girls laugh as if I just said something hilarious. 

‘Well you have like, _really_ sexy moves.’ Carly says, really articulating her words. 

‘Thank you.’ I say, unsure what to say next. Raven seems to feel too uncomfortable to be on the couch with us any longer, so she moves over to one of the lounge chairs. She can’t stop grinning though, and takes out her phone to apparently take pictures. 

I stick out my tongue to her as Carly starts telling me a story that I can’t really get a hold on. I just smile and nod as she says all these words that make no sense.

‘So yeah, that’s why I hate squirrels.’ She ends her story with a shrug, as if that explains everything. I look at Raven, who just shoots me a weird look. 

‘Clarke was it?’ The girl Tracy asks. ‘Do you want to get out of here?’ 

Okay, yep instead of telling me some long-ass story you could also just ask me that. Well, getting it on with some cute girl isn’t that bad. Especially not since I’m getting back at Lexa with it.

‘Yeah, alright.’ I answer.

‘Oh uhm okay, I’ll just stick around here if you’re fine with that,’ Raven says after she puts away her phone. ‘Wick is about to come too.’ I nod understanding.

‘Would you send me the photos you just took?’ I ask, an idea forming in my head.

‘Oh actually I made a video of the last part.’ She says with a grin.

‘Even better, just send it to me. Have fun with Wick later.’ I say with a smile. Raven grins and says a silent _you too_ before walking over to the bar.

‘Is it okay if Carly comes too?’ Tracy asks then. ‘She’s a really good kisser.’

‘Uhm, yeah sure. We can all go back to my place, if you like?’ Both of the girls nod, and after that we make our way out of the club. I don’t _really_ have to sleep with them, hell I even think that’s a bad idea from how drunk they behave. All I have to do is make Lexa think I _am_ sleeping with them. That’s why I’m sending the short video I just received from Raven to Lexa.

When we finally get a cab I end up sitting between the two girls, who both seem to be like really into me. I’ve never experienced something like that before, two random girls wanting me at the same time. Although I’m not into the both of them, it definitely feels good. 

We’re half-way through the ride, when I feel how my phone keeps buzzing. I take it out of my pocket and see that Lexa’s calling me.

‘Hey, what’s up?’ I ask casually as I pick up, my heart beating faster and faster right away.

_‘Are you…are you taking those girls home?’_ Lexa asks. She definitely sounds tipsy.

‘Yep, we’re in a taxi right now.’ I tell her.

‘Who is it?’ Carly asks.

‘It’s just a friend.’ I say.

_‘Oh am I just a friend?’_ Lexa asks through the phone.

‘Hey, you’re the one who said we should be _just friends_.’ I tell her. She’s quiet after that.

‘Is that some pretty girl who want to fuck you too?’ Tracy asks.

‘I don’t know; why don’t you ask her.’ I suggest as I hand her my phone.

‘Do you want to fuck Clarke?’ Tracy asks in this far too serious tone that makes me laugh. I can’t hear Lexa’s exact words, but I do hear something like _screw you_.

When we’re finally at my apartment, we just go to the living room. I’m definitely not taking them to my bed. As soon as I’m seated on the couch, Tracy starts to kiss me out of nowhere. Carly just kisses us both in our necks and it feels like they both have no idea what to do.

After a couple of minutes though, the intercom rings. Because me and Tracy are a little busy, Carly walks over to the intercom and takes the phone to answer it. She’s quiet for a couple of seconds before she kind of starts shrieking excitedly. 

‘ _Oh my god,_ Drake is outside!’ She yells excited.

‘What makes you think that?’ Tracy asks as she stops her sloppy kissing.

‘This girl says he’s rapping in the park across form here, she just wanted to let us know. How nice is that!?’ Carly shrieks.

‘We have to go, _now._ Clarke, are you coming with us?’ Tracy asks. I shake my head. I’m not that drunk and also not that stupid.

‘No thanks, you go have fun alright?’ Both girls simply nod and hurry their way out of my apartment. I only have to count to thirty before I hear a knock on my front door. I straighten my clothes and fix my hair on my way over to the hall. 

When I open the door, I see an angry-looking, slightly drunk Lexa standing in front of me. Looking as attractive as usual with her leather jacket and slightly unbuttoned shirt. I swallow with effort as she steps inside and closes the door behind her.

‘How did you come here so fast?’ I ask her. ‘You didn’t drive, did you?’

‘I took a cab. Why did you do that?’ She asks, clearly upset.

‘Do what?’

‘Making me all jealous with that video.’ She says frowning while crossing her arms, looking all adorable.

‘So, why _Drake?_ What if they wouldn’t be into rap? That sure was a tricky one.’ Lexa rolls her eyes at that playfully and smiles at her feet.

‘Everyone likes Drake one way or another, Clarke.’ She says chuckling, leaning her back against the door.

‘Yeah, apparently. Tracy and whatever-the-hell-her-name-was took off within seconds.’

‘Oh did your friends just leave you in the heat of the moment? I’m sorry to hear that.’ She says her voice filled with sarcasm.

‘Of course you are.’ I say grinning.

‘I don’t think we should see other people.’ Lexa says after a moment of silence, not taking her eyes off of my lips. ‘I want…I want us back, what we had. Just simplicity and fun and…you.’ She adds. I let that sink in while my eyes dip to her lips.

_‘Good.’_ I say before I press my body against hers and kiss her passionately. I feel like an addict who falls back in the same old pattern, also known as Lexa Woods.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know they're back together now, but trust me this is not the end..


	6. A Lost Love & Burnt Dinner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains some sadness, but don't worry I tried to make up for that :)

As the weeks pass, Lexa and I grow as close as we ever were again. If not, even closer. We avoid actually sleeping together though, and especially spooning.

I notice things are different between Lexa and me though: the sex we’re having isn’t by far as rough and fast as it once was. It’s more like love-making now or something, I don’t know. I _do_ know that I like it better this way. We take our time, even when Lexa has to be back at the hospital soon. And afterwards we nuzzle while we talk some more and kiss some more.  
Lexa always has these funny stories from work that really make me laugh, and other times I make her laugh by making up crazy stories or making a weird drawing of her beautiful face.

I also feel like things are becoming dangerous between us, because my feelings for Lexa are getting stronger and stronger. I think she knows this somewhere, but doesn’t acknowledge it to herself and especially not to me. It does kinda hurt to see people around us getting into _real_ relationships, while I’m sort of stuck in something that won’t develop to that stage. 

Raven for example, has been seeing Wick for about a month. They’re super cute together and Wick hangs out with the rest of us now too sometimes. It’s still fragile, but I think what they have can become something very beautiful.

Lincoln and Octavia also finally admitted to each other and to the world that they’re in love with each other; they can’t be broken apart and are always making out. It’s cute, but also kind of gross to see them like this.

And then there’s Lexa and me. Every time I do try to bring up the fact that people can be in a real relationship, Lexa starts talking about something else or just completely ignores me. I still haven’t figured out the real reason why she doesn’t do relationships. I mean, we always find our time through the days to see each other. So why wouldn’t that work in a real relationship? 

\----

It’s near the end of January when I learn something important about Lexa. I’m hanging out with Raven at Anya’s apartment. Raven knows Anya from her high school times too and they’ve been getting along again pretty well. Anya insisted on showing Raven her wedding preparations. Of course Raven had to drag me with her to it, but secretly I’m kind of interested in seeing the preparations. Not as interested in just getting to know Lexa’s sister that is, because Anya seems really nice.

I just respond to Lexa’s text about how my day is going, as Raven makes ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ sounds. I look up and see that Anya shows Raven pictures of the wedding location on her laptop. We’re sitting on the couch in the living room with Anya’s laptop on the coffee table. 

Anya excitedly tells about how the location is near the beach and shows some pictures of weddings that have been held there before. After that, she excuses herself to the kitchen to make tea. However, Raven still swipes through the pictures excitedly.

‘Look at those beautiful lights, I wonder if there’s a dimmer on those things. I could fix that for them.’ Raven mumbles, more to herself than to me. I grin and move closer to Raven to have a better view on the screen. 

‘You and your technical view.’ I say chuckling. Raven just shrugs and grins.

‘Yeah well, I know lights can really form a problem when they’re too bright. People getting tired quickly and stuff.’ She goes on. She’s still swiping, even though she’s not really looking at the pictures anymore. Therefore, she doesn’t notice we’re already past the wedding pictures. 

‘Raven stop swiping, you’re past the pictures.’ I say, pointing at the screen.

‘Oh, you’re right.’ She stops and suddenly we’re looking at a picture of Lexa, standing in a half-embracement with a girl. From the way they look at each other, it’s clear to see they’re more than just friends. ‘Oh my god.’ Raven says in shock.

‘What is it? Do you know her?’ I ask in confusion. Raven nods slowly.

‘Yes, her name is…Costia, I remember. Her and Lexa were in a relationship for a long time before…’

‘Before what?’ I ask impatiently when she doesn’t finish her sentence.

‘Well I don’t know exactly, but I heard something terrible happened to her.’

‘Where are you talking about?’ Anya asks as she walks into the living room with a serving tray for the tea. We just look at her without saying a word as she comes closer. As soon as she sees the screen, she puts down the tray and closes the laptop.  
‘It’s not very nice to look at private photo’s, you know.’ She says then. There’s no anger or irritation in her voice, but there surely is something that catches my interest.

‘You’re totally right, I apologize.’ Raven says genuinely. ‘I wasn’t really paying attention as I just swiped through the pictures.’ She adds sheepishly. Anya nods understanding, but looks at me examining. As if she knows I know there’s something here.

‘Who is that with Lexa?’ I ask Anya. Anya grimaces as she sits down on the couch. She opens up the laptop again and the photo reappears. The girl next to Lexa has kind, brown eyes and wild, dark hair surrounding her face. I don’t know exactly why, but she seems like someone everyone would’ve wanted to be friends with. Someone I would’ve wanted to be friends with.

‘That is Costia. I don’t know if Lexa has ever mentioned her to you, but I guess she hasn’t.’ She says.

‘No, you’re right.’ I say, unsure what to expect.

‘Okay. Well, I think it’s better that you just know.’ Anya says.

‘Is it…should I stay, or?’ Raven asks unsure. Anya simply nods and gestures for her to stay.

‘I’m about to tell you something important about Lexa. Something that’s still a big part of her. And I think it’s important that you know, Clarke.’ Anya tells me, looking very serious.

‘You are kind of scaring me.’ I say with a nervous chuckle.

‘So, you know about our parents, right? About how they don't like Lexa's _way of living,_ her being gay practically.’ I nod and she continues. ‘Well, Costia had always been there for her and really understood her and supported her in everything. Her parents acted the same as ours and they found strength in each other to handle that. Costia was her first, real love. They were always together and she made Lexa very happy.’ 

Anya stops talking for a moment to contain her emotions and take a deep breath, showing how much Costia meant to her too. ‘Although they were both only twenty-two, Costia knew Lexa was the one for her and wanted to propose. So Costia and I prepared this whole day together to make the proposal perfect. But then, two days before the big day, Costia got in an accident.’ Anya ends sniffing. I put my arm around her and we’re all quiet for a moment.

‘What happened?’ I ask eventually, wiping away my tears. Raven takes my hand and I see her eyes are wet as well. 

‘She just was at the wrong place, at the wrong time.’ Anya tells through tears. ‘It was raining heavily and a truck slipped and lost control. It crushed the small, old car she drove and she was gone instantly.’

‘What a horrible story.’ I say sniffing. Powerless anger runs through my veins for the cruelty of life. I can't believe Lexa had to go through such a very hard thing. Losing her loved one that way who used to make her so happy. 

‘Lexa must have been so devastated.’ Raven says softly, speaking out my thoughts. 

‘Yes, she was. I couldn't reach her for two months straight and when I went to her apartment, she never was there. It was a very stressful and dark period, but you know that Lexa is a strong one. She’s strong and doesn't give up. When she finally wanted to see me again, she suddenly reappeared and lived here with me till things got better. Eventually she got a shared apartment with Octavia and Lincoln, and threw herself into her degree and her work at the hospital.’ 

‘Do Lincoln and Octavia know this story?’ Raven asks.

‘They know most of it, yes. We go way back with Octavia and Lincoln and they promised to take good care of Lexa. It’s been two years and a week since Costia died. That’s why I have that picture of them as a couple in my recent photo’s; Lexa sent it to me.’ Anya tells. 

I shake my head in disbelief. Two years and seven days ago. I have noticed Lexa was a little quiet the past days, but I thought she was just tired from work or something. My heart instantly aches from the pain Lexa went trough on her own. Sweet, adorable Lexa who absolutely deserves the world. 

I can't believe she never told me this, she never even mentioned Costia. But I certainly don't blame her for it. This must still be so painful for her.

‘But Anya, why do you think it’s important that I know about this in particular?’ I ask.

‘Because you help Lexa fix herself. You help her collect the last broken pieces of her heart. I can see that, because Costia did the same when our parents damaged Lexa by stopping believing in her.’ 

\----

Now that I know the story about Costia, I see things differently. I don’t see Lexa differently, but I understand her possible reasons for not wanting to be in a relationship. I guess it’s still just too soon. 

The words _because you help Lexa fix herself_ keep repeating in my head every time as Lexa and I meet up the next weeks. Am I really helping her do that? Because that sounds like the greatest gift you could give somebody, and I really want to give Lexa that. 

I haven’t told Lexa about the conversation with Anya, but I do feel the urge to do so. On the other hand, I don’t know how she will react to that. I’m not sure if Anya was even allowed to tell me about it and I don’t want to hurt their relationship by bringing it up. But I also really want to talk about it with Lexa. I want to know who Costia was, want to know how they met and what they’ve been through together. But I decide it can wait.

Even though Lexa and I obviously aren’t in a real relationship, it sometimes feels like we are. Lexa keeps doing these things for me that she hasn’t done before. Things you normally only do for your significant other maybe. 

Like wiping away the jam off the corner of my mouth before licking it off her finger, like leaving cute notes on my whiteboard and like bringing hazelnut chocolate, because she knows it’s my favorite. It really confuses me and still feeds my hope like dry wood on a fire. I know Raven and Octavia call us _the married couple_ behind our backs, and I have to admit I secretly love it.

 

It’s the first Friday of February and Lexa’s hanging out at my place. Anya’s bachelorette party takes place tomorrow, and Lexa and I are working through some last small details for it. We’ve been organizing it with us two, and two other good friends of Anya and Lexa called Indra and Gustus. Unfortunately for them they had no time to finish up the last things with us today, which leaded to a fun day with only me and Lexa. 

The bachelorette party will take place at Lexa’s and Anya’s childhood home, and Lexa has been nervous about seeing her parents again for the entire week. It takes place there because their parents practically insisted on it. Anya accidentally mentioned to her mother that she was still in search for a good place. Her mother wouldn’t let go of the idea to hold it at their house and so it was decided. 

Because it appears their childhood home is pretty big and beautiful, Anya decided too that it was a good idea to hold it there. Lexa was pretty mad about that at first, but Anya explained it might be for the best to spend time with their parents again. After all, Anya is getting married pretty soon and their parents are going to be there as well.

‘So, did you already get an e-mail back for the double confirmation of the catering?’ I ask Lexa. She nods and shows me the e-mail. I tick off the item on my list and read the next one. ‘And how about the reservation in the rink?’ I ask.

‘Double-checked that one yesterday.’ Lexa says nodding. I tick off the last item of the list and throw it on the table.

‘Then that’s that. Everything is set.’ I say. Lexa sighs with relief and at that, her stomach starts to rumble loudly.

‘Well _someone’s_ hungry.’ I say grinning. I notice it’s already past 7 pm and we haven’t even had dinner yet.

‘Yes, I kinda am.’ Lexa says chuckling. ‘I’ll just grab a bite on my way home.’

‘Actually I have a better idea; why don’t I make us something to eat? I could grill some fish, maybe together with some vegetables and potato wedges.’ I say in a teasing way. ‘You wouldn’t want to miss such a delicious dish.’ I add. Lexa looks at me with a smirk on her face.

‘And how about dessert?’ She asks.

‘I’ll let you decide _that_.’ I say with a challenging smile. Lexa chuckles at that and shakes her head.

‘I would really like that, Clarke.’ She says. She helps me get up from my chair by my hand and I put on the radio for some music. Lexa takes on the task to grill the fish, while I start chopping up some vegetables. 

When a slower song comes on the radio, I can’t help but swing my hips slightly on the music. As I keep moving, I feel Lexa’s gaze on me and I look up to see her staring at my moving hips eagerly. I grin and walk to the fridge to get some tomatoes. When I’m done chopping them up too, I suddenly feel two warm arms slide around my waist from behind. 

‘I think we have about enough vegetables now.’ Lexa whispers against my ear, making me shiver. She presses her body against me from behind and we slowly start moving on the rhythm of the song. I place my hands on her arms and pull her even closer against me, no space left between our bodies. 

‘You think so?’ I ask softly as I let my hand wander through her hair. Lexa hums in agreement and I turn my head slightly to meet her lips for some soft, tender kisses. 

They’re sweet and warm, and I realize I’ve been longing to kiss her all day long. I gently break from her embrace to turn my body fully to hers, letting my arms slide around her neck. Lexa cups my chin slightly and her other hand comes to rest on my back.

‘Now I understand why you always let Lincoln cook.’ I whisper after a long kiss. Lexa opens her eyes and looks at the fish, both more black than brown. She curses and lets go of me to safe them. I chuckle as Lexa quickly puts off the stove. She sighs and looks at me with amusement in her eyes.

‘You know this is your fault right?’ Lexa says mockingly as she starts scraping off the burned parts of the fish without any luck.

‘How is this _my_ fault?’ I ask with crossed arms.

‘Well, you just shouldn’t have distracted me with your hips.’

‘Well, you just should have resisted them.’ I react as I walk over to give her a peck on the lips. 

‘Can we still eat them?’ Lexa asks as she pokes at the ruined fish with the spatula. 

‘I don’t think so. Maybe we could go for some take-out?’ I suggest. Lexa grins and starts scooping the chopped up vegetables in a bowl.

‘Sounds like a plan.’ She says. 

We order Chinese and start some shitty movie while waiting. We don’t see most parts of it anyway, because Lexa’s lips are far more interesting. After we’ve eaten the food on the couch, we attempt to watch the movie for another half hour. 

After that, Lexa decides she wants me for dessert.


	7. Childhood Home & Black Greasepaint

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where Clarke and Lexa find out everybody knows.

The next day is the day of Anya’s bachelorette party, and the fun part is that Anya doesn’t know what we’re going to do. It’s always fun to see the surprise on people’s faces. 

It’s in the afternoon when Lexa picks me up with her car. We’re heading to her home to make some preparations for tonight. I can sense Lexa’s very nervous to see her parents again: her knuckles are white from holding the wheel to tight and her whole body is tensed. 

‘Lexa, please try to relax more okay? It’s going to be okay.’ I say, trying to comfort her. Lexa let’s out a long sigh and relaxes her knuckles slightly.

‘I don’t know, Clarke.’

‘What is it that you think they’re going to say or do?’ I ask.

‘It’s just that I haven’t seen my parents in so long and they always find ways to hurt me, aware of it or not. They never fail to bring up Costia and…’ She suddenly stops talking and looks at me with big eyes, realizing who she just mentioned.

‘It’s okay, I know.’ I say after a moment of silence. ‘I accidentally saw a picture of the both of you at Anya’s, and she told me the story.’ I add softer. Lexa nods after letting it have sunk in, her knuckles tight and white around the wheel again.

‘I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you myself.’ Lexa says after a moment, her eyes trained on the road.

‘Please don’t apologize for that, Lexa. I understand this isn’t something you tell just like that, I’ve been there too.’ I say. Lexa is quiet for a moment as we drive past houses and people.

‘You know so much about me and I just didn’t think it through when I started talking. But I do wish I was the one who’d told you about Costia. She was a very big part of my life, we were going to get married if things had gone differently.’ She explains, her voice strangely steady.

‘I’m so sorry.’ I say softly. Lexa just stays quiet and nods.

‘She died two years ago, on January 19th. We shared a small apartment together back then, and I can still remember how it always smelled of paint.’ Lexa tells, a pleasant and nostalgic tone in her voice. ‘I think you would have liked her.’

‘I would?’ 

‘Yes, she also really was into art. Creating things, that was her passion. She wrote music, loved writing stories and always tried to paint faces of strangers she saw that day.’ Lexa tells. I look at her and see a small smile on her face.

‘That sounds amazing. You should show me some pictures sometime.’ I say. Lexa nods and smiles at me in agreement.

‘Clarke, what did you mean earlier when you said you’ve been there too?’

‘I meant my dad. He passed away when I was sixteen.’ I tell her. ‘It’s been a long time and I’m over it for most of the part, but I do understand how hard it is to lose someone special to you.’ I add. Lexa nods without saying anything as she lets it sink in.

‘I didn’t even know that, how come I never even asked about your parents.’ Lexa says, more to herself than to me. She shakes her head, seeming to feel ashamed.

‘I could have told you about him without you asking me, but I just don’t tell it out of nowhere. You don’t do that with Costia either, right?’ I say, trying to comfort her. ‘Besides that, I know you don’t like to talk about your parents so it’s normal you don’t ask other people about their parents as well.’ I add. It sounds logical, and Lexa seems to feel content with that information.

‘Well, I’m still sorry for it and for losing your dad. How did he pass away?’

‘He got sick. It was terrible, but he stayed so happy and positive about life throughout the process. He had always been like that, making other people laugh and turning the bad things into good things. It really helped me and my mom get through, even after he was gone.’

‘He seemed like a wonderful father.’ Lexa states genuinely, no sorrow in her voice.

‘He was. You know, I’m glad that you know now and I’m glad I know about Costia.’

‘Me too.’ Lexa says as she looks me in the eyes.

I’m really curious about where Lexa grew up, to be honest. According to the navigation system we’re almost there, but we’re still driving on some lane with only trees along it. It’s when we near a closed gate that it strikes me this lane must be part of the property. After Lexa stops beside an intercom and says her name, the gates open up automatically. We drive around a corner and it’s then that my mouth drops open.

‘Is that your home?’ I ask stunned. We stop in front of a big, wooden mansion complete with a well-maintained garden. It is huge, but also kind of warm and intimate.

‘Yes, it is. This is where I grew up.’ She says, a hint of delight in her voice. She parks the car in one of the garages on the side of the mansion. My mouth drops again as I see several other expensive cars standing there.

‘Wow, you never told me you were rich.’ I say. Neither Lexa nor Anya has ever mentioned anything about being wealthy.

‘Well, in fact only my parents are rich. Anya and I both really wanted to make it on our own, without any help from their money.’ Lexa explains.

‘Really? That’s amazing, but why?’ I ask curiously. Lexa takes the keys out of the engine and looks at me.

‘Because being this rich means there’s nothing left to work for. My mother always used to buy loads of new clothes and accessories. Every day if she liked, just because she was bored. I don’t want that, I want to have a career and make my own money.’ She explains. I nod understanding.

‘There’s a really big gap between you and the beliefs of your parents, isn’t there?’ 

‘There is, and it has always been that way to be honest.’

‘But you and your dad did used to go to football games together, right?’

‘Yes, that was my attempt to bond with my father. He and I go along okay now, but he will never truly understand who I am.’ She ends with a shrug. ‘My mother only wanted to make a dancing princess out of me, although I felt more like being a knight when I was younger.’ She ends, chuckling slightly. 

I take her hand and squeeze it softly. Then I reach into the pocket of my jacket and get out two tickets. 

‘What is that?’ Lexa asks as she looks at them.

‘These are two tickets for the San Diego Chargers.’ I say. ‘The game isn’t until halfway March, but that’s because it ought to be a pretty special one.’

‘You got tickets for the upcoming national football cup?’ Lexa asks in awe as she studies the tickets. 

‘The website did say something like that, yeah.’ I answer.

‘Clarke, these are very expensive and very wanted! How did you even get them?’

‘I’ve got my ways.’ I say with a shrug. Lexa seems to be fully relaxed now as she smiles wildly. She bends over and wraps her arms around me. I caress her back and let my chin rest on her shoulder for a moment.

‘Thank you, Clarke, this is amazing. You’re obviously going there with me.’ Lexa says against my ear. 

‘That’s totally up to you, okay? I thought it would be a great way to maybe get in contact with your father again, but I didn’t know you gave up on that.’ I explain. Lexa gives me a warm look that says a thousand words and gives me a soft kiss on the cheek.

‘That’s really sweet of you. I really appreciate this, but you’re the one who’s going there with me.’ She says with a smile. My heart feels like it’s exploding, in the good way.

‘Are you ready to go see them?’ I ask. Lexa nods and looks at our tangled hands. 

‘I think I can handle this with you.’ She says with a smile that warms my heart. ‘If Anya’s right, they must be out of town for a while longer.’

As Lexa knocks, a servant lets us in. He happily greets us and Lexa stops to catch up with the older man for a moment. They seem to have known each other for a while. 

After that, we walk through the big house unnoticed and go to an almost detached room in the far back of the house. The room is rectangular and although the glass ceiling is high, the room isn’t that wide. There are lots of big windows that let in rays of the February sun, and the walls are made of white oak wood. there’s a long, wooden table standing in the middle of the room and at the end is a small kitchen complete with bar. 

‘Beautiful.’ I say breathless as I take it all in. 

‘This has always been my most favorite room. It used to be the conservatory of the former owners, but my parents decided it would be great to restyle it as an extra dinner room.’ Lexa tells. I look at her and take in how happy the memory makes her, feeling how butterflies spread across my body once again. ‘I always came here to hide from everything and everyone and just looked at the garden outside or the stars above.’

‘That must have been amazing. This place is stunning.’ I say as I look up and outside at all the flowers that are growing there. It’s like a secret hideaway. 

After Lexa shows me the small kitchen and the bar, we make our preparations: we set the table with a white tablecloth and these beautiful plates and glasses from one of the cupboards. We fill the freezer with ice cubes and check if the fridge under the bar has already been stocked with alcohol and juice, which it has. 

After that, we get some flowers from the garden and put them on the table in several vases. Then we put candles everywhere around the room to finish it off. We light them and dim the lights, seeing how only the light of the setting sun and the candlelight fill the room. It looks gorgeous, but by far not as gorgeous as Lexa. She’s taking it all in and smiles, knowing Anya will love this tonight.

‘I think we deserve a drink now. Do you want some juice?’ Lexa asks as she grabs two glasses and the juice from the fridge. I nod, mesmerized by the way the light reflects in her beautiful eyes. 

‘Yes please, let’s safe the good stuff for later.’ I say ambiguous, leaning back against the table. Lexa stops her movements and looks me up and down. 

‘Yeah…yeah let’s do that.’ She says after a tensed moment of silence, her eyes on my lips.

‘Or we could, you know, not do that if you want.’ I say softly. Lexa just looks at me and swallows obviously. I walk over to her slowly and push her hair aside to kiss her gently in her neck. Lexa sighs with relief and places her hand on the countertop for support. 

Unfortunately, that’s exactly where the juice is and she throws the package over. The spout jumps open instantly and I feel cold juice soak all over my white shirt. I let go of Lexa with a shriek and pick up the package. By then a big part of my shirt is a bright orange and juice is all over the floor. 

‘Oh my god.’ Lexa says. She reaches for a cupboard and takes out a tea towel. She dips on my shirt, but it doesn’t really help. ‘I’m so sorry for ruining your shirt.’ She says. She stops the dipping and lets her arms fall to her side hopelessly.

‘It’s okay, don’t worry.’ I say with a grin. ‘It’s just a shirt, it’s replaceable.’ I take over the tea towel from her and start wiping the floor with it. 

‘But that’s the only shirt you got with you, I assume.’ Lexa says. She grabs another towel and we clean the place up together.

‘Didn’t think about that one yet.’ I say with a chuckle.

‘I think I’ve got some clothes left in my room upstairs? That’s if my mother hasn’t thrown them out yet.’ Lexa says. I nod and we leave the dinner room. The stairs lead to a hall with many different doors, at least eight. 

We enter a room with a king-size bed and massive windows. The view is astonishing; trees and flowers everywhere, and even a river is visible. The walls are white, but there are posters and photos everywhere. There are posters of bands, of singers – mostly female singers – and posters of the San Diego Chargers and other football teams. There are lots of pictures of Lexa and lots of trophies as well. It feels as if I’m allowed to take a look at Lexa’s life.

‘What a beautiful room.’ I say in awe. I then notice a stereo with a pile of CD’s next to it. When I turn it on and press play, I hear Muses’ _Supermassive Black Hole_ come out of it. ‘Impressive. You didn’t even take that CD with you?’

‘No, there’s something called the internet now where you can play all your music.’ Lexa teases. She then pretends to play the guitar in the song. I don’t hesitate, and join her in her amazing air guitar performance. She laughs as I bend through my knees to make my performance extra good. Lexa laughs at that and helps me get up from the ground. When I look around the room, my eye falls on a particular picture on the wall.

‘Wow, so you were a football player, huh? Raven told me about it.’ I say as I point at a picture of Lexa standing in a football uniform. She looks about eighteen there and is smiling slightly.

‘That’s right, I was. She did?’ Lexa asks. 

‘Yeah, she told me about you being captain. But they called you something else, didn’t they?’ I ask, a playful smile around my lips. Lexa gives me this look and chuckles.

‘Yes, they called me the Commander.’

‘That sounds pretty…sexy. The _Commander.’_ I say, letting the word roll over my tongue slowly. Lexa stares at my lips for a long moment before opening a big closet.

‘I was just good at doing my job being captain.’ Lexa says with a shrug.

‘I bet the girls found that hot as hell.’ I say as I’m looking at some other pictures.

‘Oh, but they did. I got several dates out of it.’

‘You did?’ I ask.

‘Yeah, but still no one has ever said it in the way you said it.’ Lexa says as she searches through her closet unfocused.

‘Oh yeah? You want me to say it again, _Commander?_ ’ I ask teasing. Lexa looks up at me and from the look in her eyes, I can see what effect it has on her. It’s endearing, but also _very hot_. I wish I had mentioned it earlier. I walk over to her and bring her curls behind one ear.

‘Say it again.’ Lexa whispers, her voice steady and her eyes on my lips. My stomach twists from the tension between us and her eyes drown me in. I’m about to just kiss her and let her make me say it, but a knock on the door makes us both jump up.

A blonde woman is standing in the door. She wears very chic clothes that must’ve cost a lot. Her hair is tied in a perfect knot on top of her head and her cold eyes are squeezed together unapprovingly of what she’s seeing. I instantly dislike her.

‘Mother.’ Is all Lexa says as she stands up straight to put some distance between us.

‘I wasn’t aware you would bring any guests with you already.’ She simply says with a forced grimace. So that’s the first thing you say to your daughter who you haven’t seen in months?

‘I’m sorry, I should have let you know.’ Lexa says uncomfortably.

‘So, where are your manners? Aren’t you going to introduce your _lady friend_ to me?’ Lexa’s mother asks in a tone that shows she knows _exactly_ I’m not just a friend. Right. I’m already sick and tired of the way this woman behaves towards her own daughter. 

I walk over to Lexa’s mother with big steps and provide her my hand. She takes it after she looks me up and down and I shake it fast and shortly.

‘My name is Clarke Griffin, nice to meet you.’ I say, making sure she knows I don’t mean a word of it. I’m not letting her treat me or Lexa this way.

‘Clarke Griffin. Interesting name.’ She says, her eyes piercing into mine.

‘Why is that?’ I ask.

‘Named after a mythical creature with a tail, a beak and horns.’ She answers in an almost mocking tone. Yet, it doesn’t make her look immature in the slightest way.

 _‘Mother.’_ Lexa says in a begging way. I squeeze my eyes and lift my eyebrow, ready to snap something back at this woman. Instead I decide I won’t lower myself to her level, so I just take a breath and walk back to Lexa. 

‘I expect you downstairs when your sister arrives,’ Her mother says to Lexa. ‘And make sure to have your _friend_ wear something appropriate without juice stains.’ She finishes before walking away and closing the door, leaving me fuming. Lexa sighs with relief.

‘That was pretty cool what you did.’ Lexa says after a moment, a small smile around her lips. My anger sinks down within seconds and I kiss her gently.

‘I understand why you were so reluctant about seeing her again. She doesn’t seem the nicest mother.’ I say softly against her lips. Lexa kisses me back and hums softly.

‘That’s why I became very good at avoiding her in this big house.’ Lexa says before kissing me again.

‘Is your father the same?’ I ask. Lexa shakes her head.

‘No, he is basically a doormat for my mother when she’s around. He’s never understood me, but he’s okay to be with when we’re alone.’ Lexa explains.

 

It’s about 7 pm when everyone has arrived. Octavia, Raven, Lincoln, Monty, Jasper, Gustus and Indra are there together with two friends of Anya called Murphy and Harper. The room is pretty crowded now, but also very cozy with the candles and flowers. 

Lexa got me a white blouse to wear instead of my stained shirt. It is a little tight, but it smells ever so slightly of Lexa, and I really like that. Lexa’s changed into some plaids and I’m trying not to collapse from the sight of her ever since. 

We get dinner served from a very good and very expensive catering company that Lexa’s parents apparently recommended and paid. The food really is good, so I decide to enjoy it instead of disliking it to piss off their mother in some way.

Both Anya and Raven can’t stop guessing the activity we’re about to do after dinner and the presents, although we did give some pretty good hints. Lexa and I added ice cubes to anything possible, but they still can’t guess we’re going on the ice ourselves. 

There’s good music and everyone’s talking and having fun. At the same time, we get served new drinks and food every time our glass or plate is about to be empty.

Still I can’t really focus on the conversations everyone’s having, because Lexa’s sitting right in front of me, looking all gorgeous with her hair, smile and, well everything really. The candlelight softens her features and the alcohol has loosened her up enough to make her tell stories. And Lexa is a great storyteller, especially when she’s like this. 

Every now and then when we’re both silent, Lexa meets my eyes and gives me this look. It’s something unspoken and warm in her eyes, only visible for me. I can’t quite tell what it is yet, but I love it when she looks at me like that. It makes me feel really happy.

After everyone’s full and we get to the presents – Raven bought her candy underwear – Lexa hands Anya a white shirt saying “ICE QUEEN”

‘Cool shirt, but I’m no ice queen am I?’ She asks almost offended. We laugh and agree with her.

‘Of course you’re not, but that shirt does make you queen.’ Lexa explains. Anya frowns at that.

‘Queen of ice?’ She asks.

‘Queen of the _ice rink!_ ’ Indra yells excitedly. ‘We’re going to the rink to ice skate and play hockey.’ She adds. Everyone reacts enthusiastically and Anya puts on the shirt instantly. After that we put on our coats together with some extra sweaters against the cold. 

Stacked in two cars, we head to the indoor ice rink. It isn’t far away and the rink is reserved for us alone. I’ve been to ice hockey games before, but I’ve never played the game myself so I’m kind of excited about that. 

Someone of the staff guides us to a changing room where ice skates are sitting in a rack, and someone else hands us helms and hockey sticks. We won’t go on the ice fully equipped, because after all it’s just a friendly game. At least, that’s what it’s supposed to be. 

Everyone’s just minding their own business putting on their skates, when Lincoln gets a small, metal box out of his pocket.

‘If you’re in my team, you’re going to be a warrior of the ground.’ He says with a low, warrior-voice. ‘Let’s say team Grounder.’ He adds as he opens the box. It appears to be a box of black greasepaint, which he smears under his eyes.

‘How did you come up with that term so fast?’ Gustus asks grinning as he takes some of the greasepaint too and puts it on his nose.

‘It does make sense, doesn’t it? Of the ground, Grounder.’ Lincoln says with a shrug.

‘Wouldn’t something like the Ice Nation be a better team name then? Since we’re on the ice, technically?’ Raven asks mockingly. I chuckle and shake my head at her.

‘Nah, that’s too basic.’ Indra answers.

‘So, what’s the other team name then?’ I ask.

‘Let’s say…ground versus sky? So the other team is team Sky People.’ Lincoln states.

‘Sky People sounds kind of lame,’ Octavia says grinning. ‘Nah, I like the term Grounder better. I’m with you Lincoln.’

‘So and what about the rest of the teams?’ Raven asks.

The teams end up getting divided by Lincoln of team Grounder, and Raven of team Sky People. I end up in Raven’s team together with Harper, Murphy Jasper and Monty. Team Grounder consists of Lincoln, Octavia, Lexa, Anya, Gustus and Indra. 

Everyone makes themselves ready, the Grounders having the black greasepaint smeared on their faces. I don’t know if she did it on purpose, but Lexa put the greasepaint all under and over her eyes. It looks super badass and also very, _very_ attractive. I can’t help but stare at her for too long. When she notices, she just smirks before looking me up and down and leaving for the ice.

‘So, how are things going between the two of you?’ Lincoln asks from behind me, startling me.

‘What are you talking about?’ I ask innocently.

‘Oh come on, everyone knows there’s something going on between the two of you.’ He says smirking.

‘Everyone does?’

‘I think so. You two are even more obvious than me and Octavia ever were.’ He says, looking over at Octavia adoringly. I sigh and poke at his skates with my hockey stick.

‘It’s complicated.’ I say. When I look up at Lincoln, he nods knowingly and helps me get up. 

‘It’ll be okay.’ He says, and for some reason I believe him. 

After everyone has warmed up a little on the ice – complete with helmet, because safety first – we get in our positions to start the game. Raven and Harper are up for the attacking position, while my and Murphy’s position is in the back. Monty and Jasper go in front. 

When everyone is set and I look who my opponent is going to be, my heart skips a beat. _Again._ Lexa is in front and is thus the one I have to battle with. Her green eyes look even more green from the black greasepaint on her eyes, and I see a competitive look on her face. 

It strikes me then that she picked this position on purpose. She smirks when she sees me realizing that, and I shake my head while butterflies spread through my body.

Lincoln and Lexa form a strong team and they score within minutes, but we get back at them immediately as Raven makes it even with help from Monty. Gustus then battles against Harper and although Gustus is a lot bigger, Harper takes away the puck easily. She skates to the front and dodges Anya before passing the puck to Raven effectively. Raven scores and they high-five excitedly. I do the same with Murphy and shoot Lexa a victory-smile. Lexa answers that with a combative look as she rolls up the sleeves of her sweater, leaving me close to drooling.

Unfortunately, it’s soon after that when Lexa comes at me with the puck. I can tell why she used to be captain of the football team; she coaches everybody positively throughout the game and moves across the ice as if she skates daily. One time, she slides behind me and takes away the puck smoothly. She did play unfairly though, making me all weak when pressing her body against me. 

The game is more of a secret battle between Lexa and me about who can look the most victorious or combative. It’s funny and leaves me heated in the good way. 

When we take a break to catch our breath and drink something, Lexa and I leave for the bathroom for a quick, heated make-out session. We go back separately, but I can see from the looks of our friends they know exactly what’s been going on. My cheeks flush red, and I see the same thing happening to Lexa as she joins us two minutes later. We look at each other and suddenly burst out in laughter.

‘Do you really think we are _that_ oblivious?’ Indra comments. Okay, so everyone kinda knows about us. Although there’s still not much to know about.

The game ends in a tie, so there’s no winner and no loser. Not that that would’ve mattered, but it’s nice to know the teams were divided well.

It’s already pretty late, but after everyone’s changed we head to some lounge bar in the city to get a drink. Unfortunately, Lexa washed off the greasepaint. I would give anything to see her like that again, but she looks just as good without it anyway.

Jasper and Monty have to go to work early the next day, so they’re not joining us. 

I’m having conversations with Lexa, Octavia and Lincoln while Raven, Anya and Indra are wildly dancing on the music. Murphy and Harper have separated themselves from us and are talking at a table further away. 

Octavia and Lincoln are joking about them becoming a couple, tactfully ignoring the fact Lexa and me have something going on too. While they also discuss Anya and her future husband Matthew, I can’t stop staring at Lexa. Wondering how things will go further between us.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if this is was a good example of a bachelorette party, but I thought it was a cute and simple one.  
> I couldn't resist to add the black greasepaint.


	8. Valentine's Day & Confessions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will be a hard one but there's some cute stuff first.

Anya, Raven, Lexa and me have been drinking and talking in the lounge bar for about two more hours when we get pretty tired too. The rest of our friends have thanked Anya for the amazing bachelorette party and left in groups. 

When we leave the bar too, I notice how bright the night is. The stars are clearly visible and the moon is almost full. I look beside me and see Lexa is staring up too.

‘Do you want to go for a walk?’ I ask her impulsively. Lexa looks at me and smiles before nodding. We hug Anya and Raven before they get in a cab together, and then we’re all alone.

‘So, did you enjoy the night?’ Lexa asks, a smirk on her face. We start walking through the always living streets and I put my hands in my pockets to keep them warm. 

‘I surely did, although my opponent was very competitive and also really distracting.’ I answer.

‘Oh yeah?’ Lexa asks chuckling. 

‘Yeah, you absolutely left an impression.’ I say genuinely. ‘I already thought you were good at sports, but I didn’t know you were _that_ good.’ I add. Lexa’s cheeks turn slightly red and she shrugs.

‘I’ve always loved to play sports, it’s one of the few things I’m good at.’

‘One of the _few_ things? If that were true, you weren’t studying to become a doctor.’ I say. Lexa grins and looks me in the eye with that same gaze again. That gaze that makes my stomach flip and my heart skip. ‘So, how was it to see your parents again today?’ I ask.

‘It went better than I had expected, but I’m glad I can stay away from them for some time to come now.’ She answers without any regret or sorrow in her voice.

‘I think it did you good to see them again, it seemed to have made you stronger.’ I say.

‘I think so too.’ Lexa says after thinking about what I said for a moment. We continue our walk in a comfortable silence and head to the grand park without even discussing it. 

I’ve always loved the big fountain in that park and how it lights up in the dark. Even though it’s past midnight, I’m not getting any bad vibes from walking here. Partly because there are some more people like us still walking here, and partly because I am with Lexa. I realize she makes me feel safe. 

We come to sit on a wooden bench near the fountain, where we just look at for a moment. I notice Lexa’s staring up at the starts again, and then a beautiful quote pops up in my mind.

‘And the stars blinked as they watched her carefully, jealous of her shine.’ I say, my eyes on Lexa. It’s a quote from Atticus from _To Kill a Mockingbird_. Lexa instantly recognizes it and her eyes meet mine.

‘You’ve read the book?’ She asks with surprise. I nod.

‘Yes. I needed to know why you like it so much.’ I say. She smiles brightly at me; a smile I don’t see that often. 

‘So what did you think of it?’ She asks. 

‘I loved it.’ I say with a gasp. ‘I love how the characters are written and how they develop. It’s one of the most beautiful stories I’ve ever read.’ I add, smiling as I remember it. 

Lexa doesn’t answer, but simply bends over and kisses me softly. Her lips linger on my skin for a moment before she kisses me again.

‘Go out with me?’ I ask her breathless, her soft lips still against mine. Lexa flicks her eyes open and retreats a couple of inches.

‘As in on a date?’ She asks after a moment, uncertainty in her eyes. I immediately regret ruining our moment, but I’m not backing off now.

‘Yes, a real date. I could pick you up with my car, we could both dress up nicely and go do something fun.’ I say as I take her hand and squeeze it.

‘I don’t know, Clarke.’

‘Look, it doesn’t have to be a big deal okay? I just want to have a good time with you one evening. Let’s say next Saturday.’

‘Next Saturday? Clarke, that’s on Valentine’s Day!’ Lexa reacts with raised eyebrows.

‘I know. Isn’t that nice? We’ll have just one fun evening in the spheres of Valentine. And we can steal kisses all night long, because that’s allowed that night.’ I say. Lexa chuckles at that and looks at her hand still lying into mine.

‘Well, I do like the kissing.’ She says with a smile as she squeezes back my hand.

‘There you go! See? This could be fun.’ I say. Lexa stares into my eyes for a moment before giving in.

‘Alright, I’ll go on a date with you,’ She says. ‘But no Valentine’s cards, those are far too cheesy.’ I chuckle and squeeze her hand.

‘I promise.’

\----

It’s Saturday and it is Valentine’s Day. It’s the day that has been on my mind all week long and the day that has left me sleepless before it even started. 

It’s 6 pm sharp and I park my car at the hospital to pick up Lexa. I don’t see her yet, so I quickly take a look in the mirror to see if I still look alright. I know I do, Raven made sure of that, but there’s nothing wrong with checking another time.

I’m wearing a strapless, cream-white, cocktail dress. I didn’t want to wear something too fancy, but I also wanted to look good for Lexa. The dress has something gracefully over it, what seems to fit exactly to a Valentine’s date. Raven offered me her favorite cream high heels and even curled my hair. That while she has a date with Wick tonight herself. I should remember to buy her favorite chocolate for her help. 

When I look over at the hospital again, I see Lexa walking over. I swallow with effort at the sight of her and step out of my car. She looks amazing: she’s wearing a white blouse with a black blazer and ditto jeans. Her sleeves are rolled up and she has black high heels on her feet. 

Damn, is there _anything_ that doesn’t look good on her? She looks so casually and yet very attractive. When she comes to stop in front of me, I can see how she takes in how I look as well.

‘Hello, Clarke.’ Is all she says as she looks at me in some sort of awe. It makes me blush and I can’t help but smile. ‘You look beautiful.’ She adds as she gives me a warm smile.

‘So do you.’ Is all I say while my heart speeds. I then take my hand from behind my back and hold up a red rose. She looks surprised as she takes it from me.

‘Thank you, that’s very sweet.’ Lexa says as she looks at the rose. I grin and open up the car for her before I walk around the car and get in myself.

‘So, are you excited?’ I ask her as we hit the road.

‘Yes, I really am.’ Lexa says as she looks at me. 

‘Great. And you should know I completely stuck to your condition.’ I say sarcastically. Lexa squeezes her eyes at me and I laugh at that. 

‘You broke your promise?’ She asks. I grin and reach for the envelope. I hand it over to her and she chuckles lightly. As she opens it up and reads it, I hear her gasp softly.

‘I hoped I could make an exception with this particular card.’ I say. Lexa looks up at me with a big smile on her face.

‘You made this with the kids of your drawing courses? Clarke, it’s beautiful!’ Lexa says.

‘Look, Lily even drew a fire truck for you to show she can do that by herself now.’ I say, pointing at the red vehicle as I try to keep my eyes on the road as well.

‘Thank you, Clarke. I absolutely love this.’ Lexa says as she looks at the different small drawings of the children with a delighted look on her face. ‘And you drew that yourself?’ She asks. In the middle of the card is a small heart that says ‘for my valentine’.

‘Yeah, I couldn’t let the kids be the only ones to take credit you know.’ I say. Lexa grins and shakes her head.

‘Well, I _am_ your valentine and you are mine.’ She says. Then she puts her hand in the pocket of her jacket and gets out a small, wrapped box.

‘Actually I’ve got something for you too.’ She says as she holds it up. I look at her with surprise.

‘So you wouldn’t want me to give you a card because they’re far too cheesy, but you _did_ buy me a present?’ I ask.

‘Well, at least I stuck to the promise.’ She says with a grin. 

‘Wait, we’re almost there. I’ll unwrap it then.’ I say. Within minutes we arrive at a museum-like building where I pull over at the parking lot. Lexa looks at the flow of people walking in and out of the building with curiosity.

‘Wow, this seems exciting. Where are we going?’ Lexa asks.

‘I’m not telling you until I get to see my present.’ I say. Lexa smiles at that and hands it over to me. I unwrap it gently, holding back my excitement, till a small black box appears. I let my hand brush over it for a second to feel the suede exterior. When I open it up, I gasp.

‘Do you like it?’ Lexa asks after a moment of silence. I simply nod without taking my eyes off of my shiny present in the box. It’s a silver necklace with a heart-shaped palette on it, also completely silver. There’s even a small hole in the palette for where the thumb should come.

‘Oh this is just beautiful! It’s amazing Lexa, thank you.’ I say with a bright smile. Lexa answers that with an even brighter smile and for a moment I’m blinded by it.

‘I’m glad you like it, Clarke.’

‘Like it? I love it! Will you help me put it on?’ I ask as I gently get the necklace from the box. I hand it to her and bend over to make it easier. Lexa also bends over to put it on my neck and for a moment she’s really close. I can smell the scent of her skin and see the green of her eyes really good from here. When she notices me staring, she grins and leans in to give me a soft kiss. 

‘It looks beautiful on you.’ She says. I feel my cheeks turn red from the compliment and smile.

‘I will wear this everyday. Thank you Lexa, it’s perfect.’ I say.

‘It’s my pleasure.’ She says genuinely. ‘Now, shall we?’ She asks. When I nod, she asks me to wait and walks around the car. She opens my car door and helps me get out of the car. A warm feeling spreads through my chest as she keeps holding my hand.

The big building is a gallery with a music exhibition. Every room has another genre or is about another big artist, and of course there are a lot of love songs. We weren’t the only ones who decided to come here tonight, but it isn’t overcrowded either. 

We end up in a room where a man and woman are about to teach the Salsa. They look like they come straight out a movie with their red dress and black suit. Lexa and I are standing in a small crowd as they explain how they will teach us the dance. 

At the end the woman asks us to pair up, and I immediately feel Lexa’s arm around my waist. When I look up at her, I see an almost greedily look on her face as she looks at something behind me.

‘What’s the matter?’ I ask her.

‘Nothing, there’s just this boy who can’t take his eyes off of you.’ Lexa says against my ear. I chuckle lightly and place my arms around her neck.

‘Do I spot a little jealousy here?’ I say teasingly.

‘No, of course not.’ She says with a huff, but I can sense she’s lying. ‘It’s just that I don’t think it’s appropriate to stare at someone like that.’ She adds. I chuckle and caress her cheek with my hand. 

As the man and woman start to teach us the dance, I notice how smoothly Lexa picks up the moves. It’s like she already knows them. She leads and takes me with her in everything she does, making it quite easy for me to go along.

‘Have you danced the Salsa before?’ I ask Lexa as she smoothly moves closer to me.

‘Why can’t you believe I’m just a very quick learner.’ She answers. I chuckle and look up at her.

‘Well? _Have_ you danced the Salsa before?’ I ask again with a raised eyebrow.

‘Yes,’ Lexa answers grinning. ‘I used to help Anya out with her dancing lessons when we were younger. She’s the one who wanted to learn the dance, but I’m the one who ended up actually learning the moves. We had a lot of fun together practicing.’ She adds with a smile.

‘That is the cutest thing ever.’ I say. ‘So practically you’re good at a lot of things.’ I add. Lexa just shrugs.

‘Like I said, I’m just a very quick learner.’ She says as she nuzzles her nose in my neck.

I enjoy having Lexa’s arms around me for half an hour or so more before the course ends. I’m quite warm after that and Lexa looks so too, so we decide to walk through some more rooms before we head outside.

‘Do you want to know what’s up next?’ I ask her as we walk to my car.

‘I hope something that’ll cool me down a bit.’ She says.

‘Wow, you’re actually right.’ I say with surprise. 

It’s a beautiful evening and the sky is turning in all these beautiful colors as the sun sets, which is perfect for our next stop. 

We head to the Echo park where we get an ice cream cone in one of the shops near the park. We decide to pick each others flavors, so I pick yoghurt, caramel and strawberry for Lexa and she picks chocolate, hazelnut and banana for me. 

We find a bench in the park with a great view over the park. Lexa ends up disliking the caramel, so I keep stealing licks from her ice cream cone. I find out Lexa really likes the hazelnut, so she mostly eats that flavor from me. 

One time when she goes for my ice cone again, I slightly lift it so she dips her nose in the ice. I laugh so hard that my stomach hurts, and that’s when Lexa lifts her cone to my chin and dips it in as well. We cry tears from laughter before we kiss the ice off each other’s faces. While doing that, we’re just talking about everything and anything there’s to talk about. 

Lexa’s just telling me this story about her uncle who always made ice himself, when I feel this urge to tell her how I really feel. I’ve been walking around with that idea all night, and I feel like it just has to be out there. I mean, yes, I’m afraid of losing her when I tell her, but what is there really to lose when we practically have nothing? But then I see her sparkling eyes again, her perfect smile and the beautiful person she is, and I remember that I could lose _seeing_ her. Why is it so hard to do this?

‘That’s an amazing story Lexa.’ I say softly.

‘Yes, but I still don’t know his secret ingredient. I should ask him for that sometime.’ She says. Lexa takes another lick from her ice-cream, but it drips all over her chin. I chuckle and wipe it away.

‘I really like you.’ I say as I lick the ice cream off my hand.

‘I really like you too.’ Lexa says, searching my eyes for what’s coming next.

‘I uhm, I actually think that I’m falling in lo…’ I start. But before I can finish it, Lexa puts her cone right under my nose.

‘You should really finish your hazelnut, Clarke. It’s melting all over my hand.’ She says, interrupting my confession. My heart sinks to my stomach instantly and I drop the subject.

‘You’re right, it is melting.’ I say.

The car drive to the next stop is kind of quiet, almost uncomfortably quiet. So I just turn up the volume a little and sing along with the songs. Lexa’s staring out of the window absent-minded and I feel stupid for having tried to confess my feelings to her.

When we’re close to the County Museum of Art to see the assemblage sculpture of street lamps, Lexa seems a little brighter again. She hums along to the music, but still avoids my eyes. 

The sculpture literally consists of all these street lamps standing together, and it has this romantic sphere over it. As we walk past the lights, I notice several other couples who got the same idea on Valentine’s Day. 

‘Did you know that these street lamps were once on the actual streets?’ I ask Lexa. She looks at me and shakes her head.

‘No, I had an idea but didn’t know for sure. That’s quite amazing.’ She says.

‘I wonder how many couples have kissed under the lights of these lamps before they were even standing here. That’s pretty romantic, isn’t it?’ I ask, but I don’t get an answer.

‘Clarke, why are you doing this.’ Lexa says with an unreadable expression on her face. 

‘What do you mean?’ I ask as we stop walking.

‘Picking all these idealistic, couple-like things to do and bringing up how romantic everything is.’ She says with a shrug.

‘Well, that’s what people are supposed to do on Valentine’s Day. That’s what people do when they’re on a date.’ I say. ‘You did it yourself too; giving me a present and helping me out of my car.’ I add a little accusingly. Lexa thinks about my words for a moment, frowning.

‘But that’s just what I felt like doing in the moment.’ She says defensively.

‘Right.’ I say. Lexa sighs deeply.

‘But why did you choose these romantic things? I don’t understand why you try to change this, why you try to change us.’ Lexa says frowning.

‘Well, partly because that’s what people do on dates.’ I begin carefully. ‘But mainly because I want our relationship to go to the next level. I want us to become something _real_.’ I explain after a moment of silence.

‘But why? We’re having fun now and everything is fine. Why would you want to ruin that? I am happy like this, Clarke. I don’t need love.’ Lexa says with a frown. I see anxiety in her eyes and I feel desperation inside. She walks away from me to a bench nearby and lingers there.

‘I don’t understand, Lexa. How can you be happy like this if there will never be something real that can be broken?’ I ask as I reach her. ‘Because there’s the beauty in having something like love that can be broken; it is fragile and it takes care from both sides. But if you do that and if you put your time in it, love can be the most beautiful thing in the world.’ I tell her, tears forming in my eyes. We’re quiet for a moment after that and I wipe my tears away with frustration.  
‘Will you please tell me what it is you’re afraid of?’ I ask her as I try to stay calm. I take a seat on the bench and Lexa follows. I watch her as she searches for that answer, and suddenly I know this evening won’t have a happy ending. 

‘It’s just that I haven’t really committed to anyone since Costia. When she passed away, I was broken. It devastated me and I never, _ever_ want my heart shattered like that again.’ She explains while tears form in her eyes. I want to put my arms around her and hold her close, but I understand I can better not do that now. ‘So, therefore I don’t allow people near my heart and I seek happiness in other things. Being in love isn’t something I need.’ Lexa explains. She won’t look at me, but instead stares at the ground with a frustrated, almost angry look on her face. 

It seems like this is the first time she actually realizes the reason why she doesn’t want to commit to someone.

‘So you just go for the easy way then.’ I state challenging. I don’t want to hurt her, but I’m still feeling frustrated and desperate. 

‘Yes, Clarke. I go for the easy way. Because that’s the only way to avoid pain.’ Lexa says, her voice thick with emotions as she gives me a hard look.

‘Well I see how that’s working out perfectly for you.’ I say sarcastically, realizing how ironic the situation is. Lexa tears her gaze away from me as she wipes away tears.

‘Can you take me back to the hospital now?’ She asks, suddenly aloof as she sniffs. It sends shivers down my spine, and not the good kind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It really hurt writing the ending of this chapter, but go on I promise it will be okay.


	9. Wedding Bells & Phone Calls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember: everyone stays alive. Enjoy!

As the weeks pass, I try desperately to get my mind off of Lexa. I try to socialize with Raven and Octavia as we hang out together and I really try to interact when Lincoln and I meet up for coffee, but it’s just too hard. Not only am I totally heartbroken because of the hope for love I lost, but also because I lost my best friend.

The worst part is that I know it’s really over between Lexa and me now. As I dropped her off at the hospital, she barely said goodbye after she thanked me for the night. Stubborn as I can be, I didn’t say it either and now I feel stupid for that. I couldn’t stop my tears on the ride home, but luckily Raven was there for me to listen and talk with. 

I keep telling myself it’s for the best that I told Lexa about how I feel about her, because it really was unhealthy to bottle up my feelings like that. Still, that thought doesn’t help much, because in the end I ruined me seeing her.

To focus on other things, I started giving more professional courses and making longer days. All my feelings did lead to some good art work too. Thanks to that, and because I’ve been giving more professional courses, I got noticed by this woman called Niylah who approached me after work. 

She’s a teacher on the Otis college of Art and Design in the city, and she told me about a colleague of her who’s leaving soon. Therefore, there’ll be a function available as an art teacher without that being in the open yet. 

Niylah immediately called her boss, Mrs. Brown, to let her know she found a possible candidate for the function. I had the job interview yesterday and it went really great. In fact, I’ll be hearing from Mrs. Brown in the following days. Apparently, she couldn’t believe I was only giving courses with the degree I own. So yeah, there might be one good thing coming out of all this.

 

‘Hey, do you want to go get a drink with me at Anya’s? Or is that too weird.’ Raven asks. It’s a sunny day near the end of February and I’m drawing outside on the balcony. It’s still too chilly for that actually, but nothing stops me from enjoying spring.

‘No it’s not weird to see Anya, but I don’t feel like going into town actually.’ I say as I look up to Raven. She nods understanding but lingers in the door. 

‘You know; I think it would be good for you to get out of the apartment again.’

‘I’m getting out of the apartment every day, I’m a working person remember.’ I say with a shrug.

‘I mean besides work.’ Raven explains. She takes a seat across from me at the table and takes my hand. ‘I’m kind of worried about you, Clarke. I understand you’re not in the happiest place right now, but you kind of neglect your friends and yourself too. You don’t really talk to us anymore, and that makes me want to start avoiding you for just a little bit.’ Raven adds. Her eyes look hopefully and it warms my heart to know she tells me this because she cares about me.

‘Raven I’m sorry, you’re completely right.’ I say as I drop my head in my hands. ‘It’s just that I don’t feel like doing anything. Not while I’m in this bad, sucky mood the entire time.’

‘I completely understand how you’re feeling, and it really sucks, but why don’t you just come with me?’ Raven asks as she squeezes my hand. ‘I’ll buy you a snack on our way over.’ She adds with a raised eyebrow. I grin and sigh.

‘Okay alright then, thank you Raven.’ I say. Raven winks at me and stands up to give me a big hug.

‘Wow, but I won’t let you come with me like this.’ She says as she lets go of me.

‘What do you mean?’ I ask.

‘You reek of socks, _Griffin._ And not the fresh-washed ones.’ Raven says grinning.

After I’ve taken a shower and smell of flowers again, according to Raven, we head to Anya’s apartment. She and Matthew are getting married soon now, and Raven is really excited about the wedding. 

Since we’ve become good friends, we are also invited to the wedding. As are Octavia and Lincoln, since they’ve known Anya for quite some time. I’m not sure if I’m still invited though or if I even want to come, because obviously Lexa is going to be there.

‘Hello, oh hey Clarke what a nice surprise you’re here too!’ Anya says genuinely as she opens the door.

‘Hey Anya, good to see you too. Raven kind of dragged me out of the apartment.’ I say smiling as Anya pulls me in for a hug. We go inside and take a seat in the living room.

‘So, how are you doing now?’ Anya asks with a sad look on her face. I haven’t seen her since my terrible-ending date with Lexa, but I’m sure Lexa has told her about it.

‘I’m doing okay.’ I say with a shrug, not really convincing.

‘You told Lexa about your feelings for her and she freaked out, right? At least, that’s what she told me summed up.’ 

‘Yes that’s right.’ I say as I look at my hands. ‘But I’ll be okay, it’ll be fine.’ I add. Anya gives me a compassionate look and nods.

‘I’m sorry you have to go through this, I know it’s hard. Lexa’s been very withdrawn the past weeks, although she’s doing okay too. I’ve never seen her like this and…’ Anya doesn’t finish her sentence, but just stares in the distance.

‘What is it?’ I ask her.

‘Actually I have seen her like this before. She acts almost the same as when she lost Costia.’ Anya explains. We’re quiet for a moment after that and I let her words sink in. I let it sink in that maybe this all could mean more to Lexa than she thinks, that maybe I could mean more to her than she thinks. I feel both Anya and Raven’s eyes on me and know they’re thinking the same.

‘Well, it’s good to know that she’s doing okay too,’ I say, still thinking about Anya’s words. ‘If you see her, please tell hi from me.’

‘I will. Oh and your invitation for my wedding is obviously still valid.’ Anya says, changing the subject. ‘I would really like it if you came, but it’s totally up to you okay?’ Anya tells. I give her a grateful look and nod.

‘I think you could still totally handle that, Clarke,’ Raven says. ‘I’ll obviously be by your side the entire time.’ She adds as she squeezes my hand.

‘Thanks, that’s really sweet of the both of you. I’ll think about it. So, but now let’s talk about your wedding Anya. How are you holding up?’ 

\----

As the days pass, the big wedding comes closer and I’ve decided it’s best not to go. I think it’s still too soon for me to see Lexa again. Also, what if she does bring someone to accompany her? What if it is Ava? I really wouldn’t be able to handle that. 

No, I don’t want to have any awkward situations that day. Although a piece of me really wants to go and see her as well. I especially just want to project her against her parents, even when I know she can handle them herself. Lexa is stronger than she thinks.

But besides that, I want that day to be all about Anya and her husband to be, Matthew. I don’t want Anya to worry about her little sister and me and I don’t want my friends to worry about us either. So, to keep it simple I just won’t come. 

When I told everyone about it, they were really sad but also very understanding. I did still come with Raven and Octavia to buy dresses, which was kind of hard but we also had a very fun day. I ended up buying a dress too, for the summer and for parties to come.

 

It’s the first of March, which means Anya and Matthew are getting married today. They’re very lucky, because it’s about to be a beautiful day. Raven, Octavia and Lincoln were supposed to ride together this morning, but unfortunately Lincoln woke up feeling really sick. 

His stomach hurts and he’s nauseous all the time. He feels really stupid about it, and practically had to shove Octavia out of the door to go. At least, that’s what Raven told me on the phone. They are on their way now together. Lexa has been living with her and Anya at their childhood home for a couple of days already, so she’s obviously not riding with Raven and Octavia.

To get Lexa and the wedding off my mind, I decide to accompany Lincoln for a while. But he is far too sick to hang out with, so after we eat the soup I made, I let him sleep. He assures me that he’ll call me if he needs me. 

Since the weather is so nice, I decide to go downtown to do some shopping or something. It’s twelve o’clock, which means Anya and Matthew are getting married right about now. I sigh and keep on walking. It really sucks that I’m not there, because I was really looking forward to it. But I know it’s for the best. 

My hand wanders to my necklace unconsciously to grab the silver pendant. It’s been doing that a lot since I got it from Lexa. I think it’s growing into a habit that keeps reminding me how much I miss her, but I’ll still keep wearing it. 

As I keep on walking with my thoughts somewhere else, I almost not notice someone’s calling me. I almost shriek from happiness when I hang up again, because I just got a call from Mrs. Brown telling me that I have the job! I’m expected on location on Monday at 9 am. I can’t believe I got it! I make a small jump that leads to weird looks from other people, but I don’t care. 

My first impulse is to tell it Lexa, but then I remind myself I can’t do that anymore. Instead I send a message to Raven. I’m sure she’ll let anyone know. Since I got the tip from Niylah, I also text her to thank her for that. That leads to an immediate call form her, which kind of startles me.

‘Hi, it’s Clarke.’ I answer. 

_‘Hey colleague, congrats on the job!’_ Niylah says enthusiastically.

‘Thank you so much! And thanks again for telling me about the opportunity.’

_‘No problem Clarke. I had a feeling they would choose you, you know. I think you’ll do great.’_ Niylah says genuinely.

‘Thanks, I appreciate you saying that.’ I say smiling on the phone as I take a seat on a bench.

_‘So, I was thinking maybe we could talk about it over a cup of coffee? Don’t worry, not in a date kind of way.’_ She says jokingly. _‘Unless you want that of course.’_ She adds after a moment of silence, startling me again.

Niylah seems like a really nice person, and she sure is good-looking. But I’m not sure if going on a date is such a good idea. I mean, I don’t want to give her the impression that I’m interested. Unless I am. _Am I interested?_ I realize I haven’t said anything for a little while.

‘Sorry, I’m just coming out of a complicated situation and I had to think for a moment. But a cup of coffee has never hurt anyone, right?’ I say. Niylah chuckles through the phone. It’s a nice sound, not as magical as… _okay stop it._

_‘No that’s true, but it’s totally up to you Clarke. We could just catch up on Monday as well, if you like.’_

‘No, it’s okay. I’m already downtown, say we meet at Verve’s?’ 

Verve’s is a really nice place in a beautiful building that touches me as an artist. And besides having a great design, it serves good coffee too. I used to come there with Lexa a lot. Most of the time we went to her or my place afterwards to _you know._

We always had our favorite table; it’s in a corner near a wall that’s filled with plants hanging from it. You have a great view over the entire place from there, and it’s more private than other tables. We could talk there for hours about everything. 

I remember this one time in particular when Lexa was all upset about the San Diego Chargers, who lost an important game. As I went to buy us coffee at the counter, I thought of a way to cheer her up. I ended up buying all the different kinds of pastries that were there. They had to put them all on three big plates, which got served by three waiters. 

Lexa didn’t know what came over her and I almost died of laughter from the look on her face. We tried all the pastries while we made silly faces to each other, and in the end my stomach hurt from all the laughter and the food. That was one of the moments I know I will always remember. If everything would still be fine, Lexa and I would be going to see the Chargers this month. I wonder who she’s taking with her, because I think it won’t be me. 

I can’t resist taking a look at our table, and somehow I manage to feel disappointed Lexa’s not there. Even though I know she’s on her sister’s wedding. 

As I take a seat near the window instead, something suddenly seems to change inside me. I need to acknowledge the fact that Lexa and I are not dating and never will be, so the best thing is to try and move on from her. Maybe I should just start seeing someone else.

Niylah shows up only ten minutes later, and gives me a short, enthusiastic hug as I rise from my seat.

‘Hey Clarke, good to see you again.’ She says as she takes a seat across from me.

‘You too.’ I say genuinely.

‘Look, I’m sorry about earlier. I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable.’ Niylah says, referring to the date thing.

‘Honestly, it’s okay. Actually, I’ve been thinking about it and why don’t we just make this a date?’ I suggest with a shrug to show I’m totally fine with it. Actually I feel a little contradictory about it, not only because of Lexa, but also because Niylah’s one of my colleagues now. But as I see a smile appear on her face, I forget about it soon.

Niylah appears to be a very good talker, what means I don’t have to all the time. She keeps me interested in the subjects we talk about and I find myself really enjoying her company and our conversations. I informed Niylah about the wedding situation without giving too much details or mentioning names, so she understands why I call Raven once in between to ask her how it goes. 

Raven tells me the ceremony was really beautiful and that they’re on the party now. She is really excited about the good music and all the good, free food, which makes me laugh. She also tells me about Lexa, who apparently looks good as always, and who didn’t bring someone to accompany her. Before we hang up, I tell her to say hi to everyone from me and to congratulate Anya and Matthew. 

After Niylah and I talk for two more hours or so in Verve’s, we decide we’ve seen enough coffee for today. That’s why she invites me over to her apartment for something else to drink. I still feel a little contradictory, but I also really enjoy hanging out with her so what’s the big deal? Niylah appears to have a really nice apartment near the city center, which she owns. I know my new job will pay better than my old job, but will it really pay that good?

It’s only after 4pm, but Niylah gets this white wine from the kitchen that appears to be really great. So we drink some wine, and talk some more before we order a pizza and put on a movie. 

After we’ve finished the pizza, we drink some more wine and I realize I feel a little looser. What if Niylah could be my way of getting over Lexa? I mean, she’s cute and nice, a good talker and a good listener as well. It wouldn’t hurt if I just tried, right?

I carefully try to get more intimate with her, but she doesn’t seem to get the clue. She’s telling me a story about a bird who got stuck on her balcony and couldn’t fly away. It’s interesting, but it doesn’t really seem to go somewhere.

‘…So I ended up taking care of the poor animal for two weeks straight and…’

‘Niylah? Would you mind not talking?’ I interrupt her. I immediately regret the words coming out of my mouth, sounding kind of harsh.

‘I’m sorry, that _was_ kind of a long, boring story.’ Niylah says after a moment, chuckling awkwardly.

‘No, I mean…’ Instead of finishing my sentence, I move closer to her and cup her jaw gently with my hand. Niylah doesn’t wait for another sign, and closes the distance between our lips. 

The kiss isn’t as dazzling and enchanting as Lexa’s kisses, and her lips aren’t as full and soft as Lexa’s lips, but she still makes a great first kiss. 

Within minutes, her hands are tangled in my hair and my hands are wandering up her back. She stops kissing me for a moment to unbutton her blouse in a charming way, which makes me smile. 

When she captures my lips again, I hear my phone ring on the kitchen table where we ate pizza before.

‘You can just get that, you know.’ Niylah says in between kisses as my phone keeps ringing.

‘No it’s fine, I bet it’s just Raven again. I’ll call her back later.’ I say before kissing her again. Still, the phone keeps on ringing and doesn’t stop.

‘Maybe just turn it off.’ Niylah suggests, clearly uncomfortable. I nod as I rise from the couch and walk to the table. I’m surprised to see Lexa’s name on the screen, and my heart rate immediately speeds. I could turn it off, pretend I didn’t see it, but I know I couldn’t ever resist to hear her voice.

I give an apologize to Niylah for taking the call as I walk to the kitchen for some privacy.  
‘Hi.’ I say as I answer, not sure what to expect.

_‘Clarke, I’m glad you picked up your phone,’_ Lexa starts, panic in her voice. _‘Listen, Octavia and Raven are already on their way, we don’t really know what’s going on….’_ Lexa starts rambling.

‘Lexa, calm down. What’s going on?’ I ask, slightly panicked.

_‘Lincoln, he’s been hospitalized. We don’t know what’s going on yet, but they said it could be serious.’_ Lexa explains, her voice thick with emotions. 

_‘What!?_ Okay, I’m on my way.’

After I hang up, I quickly explain the situation to Niylah. She offers to come with me, but I tell her it’s okay to stay, since I don’t know how long it will be. 

Although I had some wine, I instantly feel clear in my head now. I do understand I can’t drive, so I take a cab on the street. Unfortunately, the cab driver moves far to slow in my opinion, especially in this situation. Meanwhile I keep hoping for Lincoln to be okay.

Once I arrive, I race inside and ask for Lincoln at the helpdesk. The receptionist tells me I should take a seat in the waiting area and points me the way. When I come there, I notice Octavia and Raven sitting at a table in their dresses. Octavia’s makeup is all smudgy from her tears and I grab her in a big hug.

‘I’m sure he’s going to be okay.’ I say in her hair as she wets my shoulder. She nods and sniffs silently. 

So we’re just sitting there, looking up expectantly at every doctor who passes. It’s really frustrating no not know anything and watch people come and go. Apparently Lincoln was able to call the hospital himself, so it can’t be _that_ bad right? In the meantime, Raven tells me a little about how the wedding went, but the eventful day seems to be forgotten quickly after this news. 

I’ve always disliked hospitals, with its fluorescent lights and its disinfectant smell. I know it’s because of my dad, who suffered from his disease in another hospital in the city and who died there too. It sends shivers down my spine and it makes me want to run outside, escape all it’s misery and clean people. Instead, I just remind myself that beautiful things happen here too; people recover here and give life to newborns. Beautiful things happen here too.

It’s half an hour later when a doctor tells us Lincoln’s suffering from appendicitis. He needs to be treated right away, so they’ve already taken him in for surgery. He tells he’ll get in touch with us as soon as Lincoln’s awake again after the surgery. As the doctor walks away, Octavia clearly releases a long breath.

‘So, what is this applesindics thing exactly?’ Raven asks Octavia.

‘It’s appendicitis, an inflammation of the appendix. I already suspected such thing from the complaints Lincoln had according to the receptionist. It’s totally treatable, but it’s still serious and can come with all these different risks.’ Octavia explains.

‘But Lincoln will be okay?’ I ask. Octavia nods.

‘I’d like to think so.’ She says. She looks less pale already, and I release a breath I didn’t know I was holding. 

‘We should inform the rest.’ I say as I take out my phone.

‘I think we’re already too late for that.’ Raven says. As I follow her gaze, I see two figures rushing to the helpdesk. Both in dresses. Anya clearly has replaced her wedding dress for a simpler yet beautiful one for the party after the ceremony. 

Raven immediately rises from her chair and walks over to Anya and Lexa. I see her explain the situation to them shortly and I see how relief washes over their faces. 

As they take a seat with us, Lexa and I lock eyes for a moment. I’m aware I am staring at her for a moment too long. I’ve never seen her in a dress nor with eyeliner before; it really makes her look like an angel. The dark red dress she’s wearing falls elegantly around her body and she’s barefoot, her high-heels in her hand. She doesn’t say anything to me though.

It’s kind of weird to see her here again, since this is the hospital where she, Octavia and Lincoln all work at. Lexa and I met up here so many times during her shifts for quick meet-ups in the bathroom or storage rooms to get it on, and now we’re just sitting here like two strangers not talking to each other.

As soon as Anya and Lexa are completely informed about Lincoln, we start chatting about the wedding for a bit. I can’t believe Anya is even here, she just left her own wedding party like that. When I ask her about it, she simply explains that Lincoln is more important than any party will ever be. Which is what she told her parents, who disagreed with that without a doubt. 

I meet Lexa’s eyes for an instant, and suddenly there’s something unspoken between us. I can tell from her gaze the subject has lead to an amusing discussion between Anya and their parents.

Raven and Octavia have left for the bathroom and Lexa offers to get coffee. I can’t help but stare at her as she walks off, and I notice I’m being watched closely by Anya.

‘You two should go talk.’ Anya says. She moves to the seat next to me and squeezes my hand encouraging. 

‘I’m not sure if she wants to.’ I say.

‘She does, Clarke.’ Anya assures me.

‘Well I don’t think there’s anything left to say.’ 

‘Please do it for me then? After all, it’s still my wedding day so the least you could do is talk to my sister.’ She adds. I nod in agreement and Anya smiles. Then I notice the ring on her hand that’s still holding mine.

‘So you’re really married now, how do you feel?’ I ask her as I admire her beautiful ring. Anya looks up as if she’s playing the eventful day in her mind. She looks so genuinely happy that I can’t help but smile.

‘I feel more than amazing. I still can’t believe I’m married to the love of my life. Matthew is so great with everybody. My entire family just loves him, including my parents. And that’s quite something.’ She ends chuckling.

‘I’m so very happy for you.’ I say as I squeeze her hand back. ‘Married to the love of your life.’ Anya nods with a big smile.

‘Have you met yours yet?’ Anya asks, a meaningful grin on her face.

‘I think you found your calling, you should become a matchmaker.’ I say teasing. Anya laughs and shakes her head.

‘I’m sorry. But come on, have you?’ Anya asks. I look over at Lexa standing at the coffee bar at the cafeteria. She’s talking to the barista as she smiles at something he says. My heart swells instantly and my lips curl up without my permission. The answer is simple; yes, I have.

As the hours pass, we get informed about Lincolns situation once more. The surgery went well, but he might not be waking up for another four hours or so. Therefore, the doctor suggests we should go home to rest, or we could wait here and stay till he’s awake. We all choose for the latter.

At some point, I just can’t take it anymore. Coming to the hospital for a heated make-out session with Lexa was a whole other thing than waiting in the hospital halls for news. It reminds me too much of the many times me and my mom waited in fear for my dad’s health. I need to get out. 

I excuse myself to go for some fresh air while suppressing the slight panic in my voice, not missing the worried look on Lexa’s face. 

When I’m finally outside, it feels as if I can finally breathe again, and I close my eyes while I let the fresh air flow through my body.

‘Clarke, are you okay?’ A well-known voice asks worried. As I open my eyes, I see Lexa standing in front of me. 

‘Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just this waiting for news in the hospital, it reminds me of other times.’ I explain. Lexa nods.

‘I figured.’ She says. For the first time in weeks she really looks me in the eyes again and sees me, and I realize nothing has changed. We’re still us. I see how she notices me wearing the necklace she gave me, and the smallest of smiles appears on her face.

‘Thanks for checking on me.’ I say genuinely after a moment of just staring at each other. Lexa nods again and looks down at her bare feet.

‘Don’t you have cold feet?’ I ask her. Lexa looks up with a small smile.

‘They have been warmer, yes, but my high heels hurt.’ She answers as she holds up her high heels. She watches me as I take off my sneakers and hand them to her.

‘We have the same size, and I don’t mind.’ I say. Lexa shakes her head at me and smiles before she takes them. She gives me her high heels in return.

‘Do you want to see where I go when I want to be alone?’ Lexa asks as we’ve put on each other’s shoes.

‘A place you haven’t shown me already?’ I ask.

‘Yes. I kind of figured it out recently after too many coworkers kept asking how I was doing.’ She tells. Her cheeks turn slightly red after that as she realizes she gave too much information to me. I remember how Anya told me she hadn’t been doing very well after our date.

‘Well, show me the way.’ I say, gesturing for her to go inside first.

Lexa and I walk in a comfortable silence through the big building. We take the elevator to the highest level first, and then we have to take stairs. I notice we’re in a private area for personnel only now, but there aren’t many people here so no one asks what we’re doing here. 

Eventually we take the final stairs that lead to a small room with a single, locked door. Lexa reaches for the keys on top of the door frame and opens it up. Immediately, a cold breeze flows inside and I realize we’re on the roof of the building.

It’s quite big and surrounded by a railing. The sky is clear and stars are visible everywhere we look. I take a few steps near the railing to get a better view over the city, which takes my breath away. There are lights everywhere and it’s just beautiful.

‘Come, when you’re sitting here the view is the best and there’s no wind.’ Lexa says, pointing at a place around the corner of the small building. As I follow her, I notice there’s a small wooden bench standing there.

‘How did that come up here?’ I ask with a chuckle.

‘I got it up here myself,’ Lexa says with a proud look on her face. ‘It took some effort, but look what we’ve got now.’ She adds, pointing at the view. I take a seat next to her and notice she’s shaking, even though we’re out of the wind. I’m wearing a jacket over a sweater, so I take mine off and hand it to her.

‘You already gave me your shoes, and I’m really not that cold Clarke.’ Lexa protests stubbornly, although she can’t stop the shaking. A shiver shoots down my spine from the way she says my name. How does she always make my name sound so beautiful? 

‘Lexa, you’re only wearing a dress, I don’t want you to get sick.’ I say in response as I drape my jacket around her shoulders. She zips it up with no further resistance and gives me a thankful look.

We stare at the stars and the lights in contentment for a moment. I wish I’d never gone on a date with Niylah. She could never beat Lexa, no one could. It will always be _her._

‘This really is a great place to get away from everyone.’ I say in awe as I look over the city.

‘It is. It’s a very good place to think as well.’ Lexa tells. The only sound besides our breathing is the soft sound of traffic from far beneath, besides that it’s totally quiet.

‘I understand that, it’s really peaceful up here.’ I say. Lexa just nods.

‘I heard you got a new job by the way,’ Lexa says. ‘Congratulations.’ 

‘Yes I do, it’s on this art and design college. I’m really happy with it, because actually I was getting a little tired of only giving courses.’ I tell.

‘I had that feeling, yes. I’ve always known you could do more.’ Lexa says, her eyes on me. The moonlight reflects in the beautiful green color of her eyes, and suddenly it all becomes too much. She’s sitting right next to me, but still she’s so untouchable and I love her so much. I tear my gaze away from her and rise from the bench.

‘Lexa I’m sorry. I thought I could handle this, but it turns out that I can’t.’ I say frustrated.

‘Can’t do what?’ Lexa asks, although I can tell she knows exactly what I mean.

‘Being with you like this, making small talk with you. Just being friends with you while I want it to be so much more.’ I explain, not looking Lexa in the eye. Lexa doesn’t say anything, but her face is all mixed feelings as she looks over the city.

‘Clarke when I…When Costia and I were together, I knew I had never felt more alive. So genuinely happy and so full of everything,’ Lexa begins, catching my attention. ‘I always thought experiencing real love was like a fairytale; something that was made up. But it happened between Costia and me, and it was incredible. It was as if we were living that fairytale. But then when Costia died, I was sure I _never_ wanted to feel those things again. Because then I would give up that beautiful part I had shared with Costia for so long. I realized that love was weakness, beautiful and yet a weakness. It makes you so vulnerable Clarke, and I was sure I never wanted to find it again. So I did everything to make sure that I wouldn’t.’

‘Why are you telling me this?’ I ask, my hands flying up in frustration. I walk over to the railing to get more distance between us.

‘I thought I never wanted feel those things again, until I started feeling them for someone new.’ Lexa goes on as if she doesn’t hear me. ‘It scared the hell out of me and it really confused me, because these feelings were even stronger than the same feelings I once had for Costia. It really frightened me, because what if that person would leave me too and break me into a thousand pieces all over again? So to sort of protect myself, I got really good at pretending I didn’t feel a thing. I fooled myself and that person into believing everything was fine. That I didn’t need it. But I do, Clarke.’

‘So you do need _love?_ Wow that’s new.’ I say sarcastically. ‘And now you’re going to search for that or something?’ Tears are forming in my eyes as I still don’t understand why Lexa is telling me all this. Or do I not dare to understand it? 

Lexa rises from the bench and walks over to me, shaking her head. 

‘Clarke, I’m talking about _you._ ’ She says, her voice thick with emotions. ‘That person is you, I _want you_.’ Tears are forming in her eyes too, as if she’s finally releasing herself, finally releasing her heart again. I blink as a brand new feeling starts spreading through my body.

‘You want me too?’ I ask through tears. My hand comes to lay on her cheek as I wipe away her tears.

‘Yes I do, Clarke. I want you, because I love you.’ Lexa says. I see in her eyes that she speaks the truth, because they are filled with love. Suddenly I realize this is the same special look she has given me before.

‘I love you too.’ I say softly as I give her the biggest smile I’ve ever smiled. Lexa then closes the distance between us and kisses me desirous, making up for the weeks we’ve lost with that single kiss. She wraps her arms around me and I realize we’ve never kissed like this before. This is us, and it is real.

Time is the strangest thing; it feels like we’ve been kissing, talking and just holding each other for hours, when I get a call from Raven an hour later. Lincoln is awake and Octavia is with him right now. Everything is okay and he is going to be totally fine.

‘Do you want to go see Lincoln?’ I ask Lexa.

‘Yes, of course. We will have some more time together later.’ She answers, her face glowing. She takes my hand and we don’t let go until after we meet with Anya, Raven and Octavia in Lincoln’s room. They immediately notice, and give each other meaningful glances.

‘I’m glad you two finally talked.’ Anya says, smiling bright. 

‘Yeah, that was about time.’ Is Raven’s response.

‘It really was.’ I agree, looking up at Lexa as I give her a kiss.

‘You two made up while I was dying in pain?’ Lincoln asks indignantly, his voice weak but his eyes filled with amusement. ‘I should have this hospital thing going on more often, more good things might come out of it.’ He adds. Everyone laughs except for Octavia, who shakes her head with a smile before kissing Lincoln.


	10. A Lovely Dinner & Candles In The Sand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prologue

It’s about a year later in May, and it has been a very special evening. Lexa took me out for a diner at a restaurant near the coast earlier tonight, and it was lovely. I had this strange feeling all day that something was going to happen, and it turned out I was right. 

As we left the restaurant after a fun and relaxing evening, Lexa and I walked back towards the car. Lexa however, insisted on walking back over the beach instead of on the sidewalk upon the hills. Although it was already dark, it was a beautiful, bright night. So obviously I didn’t say no. 

So as we kept on walking with our locked hands swaying between our bodies, I noticed these small lights in the distance. I kept feeling Lexa’s eyes on me, but she kept saying she, too, didn’t know what it was. 

When we finally arrived there I saw a table for two, surrounded by candles placed in the sand. There were two glasses of champagne on the table, together with a single red rose in a vase. I still didn’t know if it was for us, although I had the feeling.

Because Lexa had been totally quiet since we arrived at the table, I turned around to see what she had to say about it. When my eyes set on her, I saw her kneeling in front of me. Her face was glowing from the candlelight and in her hands was a single ring. The most beautiful one I ever saw. I gasped in disbelief as Lexa opened her mouth to say something. 

‘Clarke,’ She began. ‘I’m so glad that we met, because otherwise I would have never met the love of my life. See, you are the one for me, and I know you will be for the rest of my days. You’re just so special to me and I never, ever want to spend another day without you by my side. Therefore, I’m asking you if you want to marry me.’ She ends.

By the time she finished her beautiful words, I was already down on my knees and embraced her while I couldn’t stop laughing and crying. I gave Lexa the surest yes I’ve ever said while she carefully put the ring on my finger.

Later Lexa explained that Raven and Octavia had set everything into place while we were having dinner at the restaurant. They also took this beautiful picture of Lexa proposing to me, so we will always remember that moment in the most vivid way.

‘I can’t sleep when you’re watching me.’ Lexa says, interrupting my thoughts. I focus back on the resting person beside me. My Lexa, my fiancé. She turns towards me and smiles.

‘Hello there, fiancé.’ I say in a charming voice. Lexa chuckles and puts her arms around my waist. 

‘Say it again.’ She demands softly. I chuckle and do so. Lexa hums and kisses me slowly and warm. 

Besides being my fiancé, she has also been my roommate for over a year now. At first Lexa and I were looking for a place together, but Raven and Wick decided to live with each other too. So Raven moved out and Lexa moved in with me. I still miss Raven around sometimes, but luckily I see her just as much as I did before.

‘Do you know that today was the most perfect day of my life?’ I ask Lexa.

‘That’s good to hear, because I did everything to make sure of that.’ Lexa answers smoothly. I chuckle at that.

‘I know you did. I am so very happy I’m marrying you.’ I say as I stare in her beautiful, green eyes. We’re quiet after that and just look at each other.

‘I am too. I can’t imagine where I would be right now if you wouldn’t have called me that night when you were so drunk.’ Lexa says then in a mocking way. I laugh at that and kiss her.

‘If I hadn’t done that, I would have never met the love of my life.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was amazing to write this story of Clarke and Lexa, and if you like I will write more.
> 
> If you have any suggestions for more movies I need to rewrite in Clexa style, let me know :)
> 
> Thank you!


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